Pros and Cons:
P: The scores can be compared with every other person who is taking that same test, thus giving you an idea as to how you will do in that subject or field.
C: The test can take nothing into account except your raw score and is in no way subjective to your life or capacities or hardships or even your brilliance and studiousness.
Bottom line: You are going to have to take a standardized test if and when you want to further your education. If you are opposed to the whole idea of the testing but are going to be forced to take a test, just learn how to fool the test and how to do well on the test. That'll show'em!
JPS
15.12.07
14.12.07
Tax "do-over" and Agency
I agree that a person should "react", as doing such-a-thing is not being an agent and definitely not using your agency correctly (Joseph Fielding McConkie would go so far as to say that such an act is NOT even a true act of agency. It would just be a misuse of agency, as agency is choosing to act in accordance with the spirit and the commandments, and I tend to agree with him [though I don't want to offend someone for "being too picky..."]).
So, let me lay out the decision (though it has already been made and this discussion is solely retroactive and for YOUR sake...): I willingly and almost insisted on taking the brunt of the financial load when getting divorced. I just knew that a complete and total separation was needed as soon as possible... In such a decision, I offered to take care of all of the debt in return for keeping all my paycheck. I also allowed her, under-the-table, to take the my disability check (and to tell the truth, it didn't last all that long before they [Hartford Insurance] said I earned too much anyway...) with the understanding that some day I would also get all of that check.
Now, though, I learned that no allowance was made for the paying of taxes with regard to the income and the write-offs.
Come to find out, you can send in a "correction" to your initial tax-return for years and I plan on doing just that.
Hence my question on "revenge"... Is it being vengeful or not? I think not and 2 Nephi 9:17 says "O the greatness and the justice of our God! For he executeth all his words, and they have gone forth out of his mouth, and his law must be fulfilled."
I don't even think of myself as God, but just a god-in-embryo and try to do only those things that God would be pleased with...
JPS
So, let me lay out the decision (though it has already been made and this discussion is solely retroactive and for YOUR sake...): I willingly and almost insisted on taking the brunt of the financial load when getting divorced. I just knew that a complete and total separation was needed as soon as possible... In such a decision, I offered to take care of all of the debt in return for keeping all my paycheck. I also allowed her, under-the-table, to take the my disability check (and to tell the truth, it didn't last all that long before they [Hartford Insurance] said I earned too much anyway...) with the understanding that some day I would also get all of that check.
Now, though, I learned that no allowance was made for the paying of taxes with regard to the income and the write-offs.
Come to find out, you can send in a "correction" to your initial tax-return for years and I plan on doing just that.
Hence my question on "revenge"... Is it being vengeful or not? I think not and 2 Nephi 9:17 says "O the greatness and the justice of our God! For he executeth all his words, and they have gone forth out of his mouth, and his law must be fulfilled."
I don't even think of myself as God, but just a god-in-embryo and try to do only those things that God would be pleased with...
JPS
13.12.07
Year-End Review...
Ok, not really a "review", but that's just a fun way of saying that these thoughts are actually "random" and not following one single thought...
I just got back from Tithing Settlement tonight. You know, it doesn't matter why I get to go and visit with the Bishop, it's always a really nice thing to do and makes you feel good (that includes needing to go to him for "confession" because you always leave feeling 100% better than you did when you first went in...). It just means that you have all sorts of reasons to feel good about yourself when you walk out of a bishop's office...
I still have to take the GRE soon and just saw that I had written it into my phone/planner to start studying again for the test this Saturday (I have myself some "break-time" after the end of the semester). It's time to dive back into studying (I didn't ever really study, now that I think about it, for my latest Psych class...) but this time for something that actually completely interests me--getting into Graduate School.
My little Buddy, Addison, is coming to Utah for his holiday break. He was originally going to be here only for Christmas Eve and Christmas day and the rest of his vacation was going to be in Montana. Luckily Stephanie changed her plans and now my little Squirt is going to be able to spend almost the entire vacation with me. I can't even say how good it'll be to have him "home" with me. I HATE him being in Califor-nIgh-Ay and even talking to him every night isn't good enough for me. I mean, it's better than nothing, BUT... I just miss having him around all of the time!!!
JPS
I just got back from Tithing Settlement tonight. You know, it doesn't matter why I get to go and visit with the Bishop, it's always a really nice thing to do and makes you feel good (that includes needing to go to him for "confession" because you always leave feeling 100% better than you did when you first went in...). It just means that you have all sorts of reasons to feel good about yourself when you walk out of a bishop's office...
I still have to take the GRE soon and just saw that I had written it into my phone/planner to start studying again for the test this Saturday (I have myself some "break-time" after the end of the semester). It's time to dive back into studying (I didn't ever really study, now that I think about it, for my latest Psych class...) but this time for something that actually completely interests me--getting into Graduate School.
My little Buddy, Addison, is coming to Utah for his holiday break. He was originally going to be here only for Christmas Eve and Christmas day and the rest of his vacation was going to be in Montana. Luckily Stephanie changed her plans and now my little Squirt is going to be able to spend almost the entire vacation with me. I can't even say how good it'll be to have him "home" with me. I HATE him being in Califor-nIgh-Ay and even talking to him every night isn't good enough for me. I mean, it's better than nothing, BUT... I just miss having him around all of the time!!!
JPS
12.12.07
Happy Moments from Following the Spirit!
I don't want to start listing all of the times that my day has turned around and become a great day because I chose to follow a different path and follow the Spirit (nor could I come up with such as list...), but Monday was one of those days!
Monday was the day of my Final at UVSC in Abnormal Psychology (preparing me for a Master’s Degree in Counseling from University of Phoenix—got an ‘A’ at UVSC as well as a 4.0 GPA at UofP!), and so I had most of the morning off and had headed down to school to take the test. I arrived in PLNT of time and went in to take the test with not as much as a worry on my mind. I took the test (and got by with a little help from my friends...) and went up to the main floor.
A girl that I had met at Gold's Gym was there and we talked for a bit. She wanted to tell me something and so we went into an empty room. She confided in me that she was thinking of moving out of her house, because her dad's rules and expectations were "weighing her down". Turns out, as I could tell already from her talking, that she basically had renounced the church, her testimony, and anything that tries to tell her how to act.
I listened to her and then bore my testimony to her and tried to give her a copy of Dr. C. Terry Warner's book ("Bonds that Make Us Free") hoping that maybe that could turn her around...
Finally, I simply gave her a hug, wished her luck, and left.
While walking out of the room and towards the Eating Court", why, who did I "happen to run into" in the hallway? (I'm not saying at all that it was intentional, but just a happy coincidence...) but Teresa's Aunt Lynne (who she has lived with for a year before leaving on her mission...).
We talked for a while and talked about further communications in the future to find out more about Teresa, etc.
When I left I was so excited about the whole encounter and was glad that I had left that room with Bonnie (my foundering Gym-friend) and left the room right then. I had dropped off a XMas present to her the week before, but hadn't seen her as I just left it with her secretary-of-sorts, Kudji. I don't want to bother Teresa's family with my possibly-intrusive wants and desires to be closer to Teresa, and thus, had planned to not try and visit Lynne during the time that I would be at school for finals.
I could cause some serious damage if I let my curiosity/over-aggressive wants to be closer to Teresa, even though she's in need of peace and quiet and the last thing she needs is my ego/almost uncontrolable passion barging into her serene and peaceful spiritual experience. It's hard not to do all I want for her and because of her...
I would say to "Wish me luck" with this too, but I didn't do as well as I would have liked on my final and I don't want your "luck"-wishing to do any actual damage to my life...
JPS
9.12.07
Final Exams
I have a final exam in the morning. Wish me luck (er... that's kind of meaningless, so hope I do well on the test!)...
JPS
JPS
6.12.07
To be a Beauty or not to be a Beauty?
Today I would like to discuss the common phrase:
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Let's talk about that sentence and what it actually means in real life.
Shall we start by assuming that 'beauty' is in the eye of the beholder or that there is nothing beautiful in and of itself, but "beauty" only exists in the mind of the person because of a person thinking of or looking at a person or an object. Shouldn't we admit that this is true? All we have to do is admit that two different people will look at the same painting or look at the same face and they will have completely opposite judgments about the beauty...
Then again, now that we've assumed the positive is true we must give the negative to the sentence fair assumptions, don't we? I mean, come on... Let's be fair!
So, 'beauty' is not in the eye of the beholder but simply exists, much like truth exists (whether you might agree that it's true or that it's beautiful, doesn't change the fact that it's true or that it's beautiful...). All we have to do is admit that two different people will look at the same painting or look at the same face and they will have completely opposite judgments about the beauty and one is correct and the other is incorrect...
Then again, now that we've assumed that both the positive and the contradiction are true we must give a synthesis of the two statements it's chance to make sense of his...
Can't we all admit that parts of those two "arguments" have some truth to them? Can we, out of hand, side with one of those statements? I can't, can you?
'Beauty' is in some ways in the eye of the beholder and in some ways not in the eye of the beholder (the truth of whether something is beautiful or not exists independent of the opinion of man). Ah... Now I've brought up a very interesting point that I think will help resolve this whole debate!
Is it the opinion of man that ultimately determines whether or not something is true or should we leave that determination to the Judge of All Things? Everyone must admit that God sometimes declares that things are "beautiful". but simply exists, much like truth exists (whether you might agree that it's true or that it's beautiful, doesn't change the fact that it's true or that it's beautiful...). All we have to do is admit that two different people will look at the same painting or look at the same face and they will have completely opposite judgments about the beauty and one is correct and the other is incorrect...
Think about the scriptures: Mosiah 15:15-18, Isaiah. 52:1&7, Acts 3:2&10, and he even declares that people are beautiful: Genesis 29:17, Deuteronomy 21:11. Ok, don't pretend that you can remember what they say... Either look them up or just trust me that thy are talking about God declaring things and people beautiful. Now though, we reach the crux of what I'm getting at and need to read some more scripture... Read 2 Nephi 14:2 -- In that day shall the branch of the Lord be beautiful and glorious; the fruit of the earth excellent and comely to them that are escaped of Israel. Also read: D&C 82:14 -- For Zion must increase in beauty, and in holiness; her borders must be enlarged; her stakes must be strengthened; yea, verily I say unto you, Zion must arise and put on her beautiful garments.
In order to be truly "beautiful", it seems, it requires both God's judgment AND man's judgment and involvement. What I would like to propose is that something or someone is truly beautiful when man aligns his will and, therefore, his opinion, with God's.
Just think about it again... In order for true beauty to exist it requires two people, namely God and man to be in complete agreement. That is beautiful, in-and-of-itself, but we'll talk about that a different time... So, neither the positive statement nor that contradiction end up being correct, though both of them form a part of the truth: true beauty exists only when man and God are in complete harmony about their judgment of a thing.
JPS
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Let's talk about that sentence and what it actually means in real life.
Shall we start by assuming that 'beauty' is in the eye of the beholder or that there is nothing beautiful in and of itself, but "beauty" only exists in the mind of the person because of a person thinking of or looking at a person or an object. Shouldn't we admit that this is true? All we have to do is admit that two different people will look at the same painting or look at the same face and they will have completely opposite judgments about the beauty...
Then again, now that we've assumed the positive is true we must give the negative to the sentence fair assumptions, don't we? I mean, come on... Let's be fair!
So, 'beauty' is not in the eye of the beholder but simply exists, much like truth exists (whether you might agree that it's true or that it's beautiful, doesn't change the fact that it's true or that it's beautiful...). All we have to do is admit that two different people will look at the same painting or look at the same face and they will have completely opposite judgments about the beauty and one is correct and the other is incorrect...
Then again, now that we've assumed that both the positive and the contradiction are true we must give a synthesis of the two statements it's chance to make sense of his...
Can't we all admit that parts of those two "arguments" have some truth to them? Can we, out of hand, side with one of those statements? I can't, can you?
'Beauty' is in some ways in the eye of the beholder and in some ways not in the eye of the beholder (the truth of whether something is beautiful or not exists independent of the opinion of man). Ah... Now I've brought up a very interesting point that I think will help resolve this whole debate!
Is it the opinion of man that ultimately determines whether or not something is true or should we leave that determination to the Judge of All Things? Everyone must admit that God sometimes declares that things are "beautiful". but simply exists, much like truth exists (whether you might agree that it's true or that it's beautiful, doesn't change the fact that it's true or that it's beautiful...). All we have to do is admit that two different people will look at the same painting or look at the same face and they will have completely opposite judgments about the beauty and one is correct and the other is incorrect...
Think about the scriptures: Mosiah 15:15-18, Isaiah. 52:1&7, Acts 3:2&10, and he even declares that people are beautiful: Genesis 29:17, Deuteronomy 21:11. Ok, don't pretend that you can remember what they say... Either look them up or just trust me that thy are talking about God declaring things and people beautiful. Now though, we reach the crux of what I'm getting at and need to read some more scripture... Read 2 Nephi 14:2 -- In that day shall the branch of the Lord be beautiful and glorious; the fruit of the earth excellent and comely to them that are escaped of Israel. Also read: D&C 82:14 -- For Zion must increase in beauty, and in holiness; her borders must be enlarged; her stakes must be strengthened; yea, verily I say unto you, Zion must arise and put on her beautiful garments.
In order to be truly "beautiful", it seems, it requires both God's judgment AND man's judgment and involvement. What I would like to propose is that something or someone is truly beautiful when man aligns his will and, therefore, his opinion, with God's.
Just think about it again... In order for true beauty to exist it requires two people, namely God and man to be in complete agreement. That is beautiful, in-and-of-itself, but we'll talk about that a different time... So, neither the positive statement nor that contradiction end up being correct, though both of them form a part of the truth: true beauty exists only when man and God are in complete harmony about their judgment of a thing.
JPS
5.12.07
The Temple!
How important do you make the temple in your life? How often do you attend? How are you keeping your covenants?
You can answer by speaking directly to the monitor (I probably won't hear you...) or you can simply use those questions to help spur you on to making sure that you are just better with your temple covenants and duties to do your temple work.
Then, kindly report directly to God, the Father! You know... Kneel in prayer...
JPS
You can answer by speaking directly to the monitor (I probably won't hear you...) or you can simply use those questions to help spur you on to making sure that you are just better with your temple covenants and duties to do your temple work.
Then, kindly report directly to God, the Father! You know... Kneel in prayer...
JPS
3.12.07
The 'Q' back in the hood, or simply put: back in town...
It was the genius of Quinn Woodward Warnick who brought you the hours-of-fun-filled- (and sometimes thought provoking)-excitement was you waited anxiously for the new pieces to appear on "The Whiteshoe Irregular" (some of those original pieces have made their way to this venue...) and although he's not planning on starting it back up, he does plan on something equally witty and bright and needed to brighten your day, but until he does, he will be in here Utah County for Christmas '07...
Let's hear it for the Q'ster!!!! (okay, I got a little carried away there for a minute...)
So, for dead serious, get hold of me or Matt Graham or one of the Donaldson twins or simply reply to this here post and include your email address or messenger name or phone # and I'll bring you right up to speed on the holiday festivities!
So wattaya say? In the words of the old Qster, "Game on!"
JPS
Let's hear it for the Q'ster!!!! (okay, I got a little carried away there for a minute...)
So, for dead serious, get hold of me or Matt Graham or one of the Donaldson twins or simply reply to this here post and include your email address or messenger name or phone # and I'll bring you right up to speed on the holiday festivities!
So wattaya say? In the words of the old Qster, "Game on!"
JPS
1.12.07
Stake Conference...
Although nothing could ever take the place of General Conference, since the council of the Lord given to his disciples is that they should speak only his words (as long as you are meeting with a General Authority, that is...), all meetings can be conducted by any of his disciples and it should be equally uplifting!
JPS
JPS
30.11.07
Psychology + Philosophy, or is that VS?
I graduated from BYU with a Bachelor's degree in Philosophy and walked away with 4 years + worth of learning for a lifetime (of knowledge and learning-skills). One conclusion I had walked away with from the BYU campus with was this: Psychology is an anti-philosophy.
I almost cringed when I heard people trying to expllain to other people about who I was, "Oh yeah, he's studying psychology at school!" My Grandma was the most famous for saying that.
It doesn't bother me so much any more, simply because it opens the door to let me correct a common misconception... They are not the same thing! Almost just as famous of a misconception is that philosophy is evil.
Ironically that idea comes from the truest of all things: the gospel of Jesus Christ and even from the temple ("... philosophies of men, mingled ..."). Nothing could be further from the truth! As an ex-philosophy student you might find yourself thinking that I have just been completely "won-over" or "duped" or that I am so far into the forrest that I can't see the trees. Stop though... No, that's right, just STOP!!! Now realize that all philosophy is a way to find THE TRUTH and isn't a corrupted gospel.
Philosophy is not an anti-truth or teachings from the anti-Christ or Satan. I think, in fact, like I've said already, that there is only one perfect philosophy: the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
My point (yes, I do have a point and am not intending to ramble...) is that Psychology is, in fact, an anti-philosophy or an anti-truth. And what do we learn from the Lord himself? In Doctrine and Covenants section 93, verse 24 and 25, we read that:
24 And truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come;
25 And whatsoever is more or less than this is the spirit of that wicked one who was a liar from the beginning.
When you are teaching young impressionable minds, please only teach the truth and the means for discovering the truth for yourself...
JPS
I almost cringed when I heard people trying to expllain to other people about who I was, "Oh yeah, he's studying psychology at school!" My Grandma was the most famous for saying that.
It doesn't bother me so much any more, simply because it opens the door to let me correct a common misconception... They are not the same thing! Almost just as famous of a misconception is that philosophy is evil.
Ironically that idea comes from the truest of all things: the gospel of Jesus Christ and even from the temple ("... philosophies of men, mingled ..."). Nothing could be further from the truth! As an ex-philosophy student you might find yourself thinking that I have just been completely "won-over" or "duped" or that I am so far into the forrest that I can't see the trees. Stop though... No, that's right, just STOP!!! Now realize that all philosophy is a way to find THE TRUTH and isn't a corrupted gospel.
Philosophy is not an anti-truth or teachings from the anti-Christ or Satan. I think, in fact, like I've said already, that there is only one perfect philosophy: the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
My point (yes, I do have a point and am not intending to ramble...) is that Psychology is, in fact, an anti-philosophy or an anti-truth. And what do we learn from the Lord himself? In Doctrine and Covenants section 93, verse 24 and 25, we read that:
24 And truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come;
25 And whatsoever is more or less than this is the spirit of that wicked one who was a liar from the beginning.
When you are teaching young impressionable minds, please only teach the truth and the means for discovering the truth for yourself...
JPS
28.11.07
Presents and Gifts...
Today all but (1) book and (1) gift-card arrived at my door (and were promptly whisked down to my room and plopped on my bed, courteous Brenda Joy Stott [a.k.a. MOM]) in plenty of time to hand out for Christmas (no, I didn't forget that I could have written Xmas and it would have carried the same weight...).
You really don't have any reason to be excited for this seemingly large accomplishment, because almost all of my Christmas shopping, so far, has been done online and most of my presents are the same thing...
I've got a whopper of a good present though for my best friend. He could know what it is already, I mean... I wouldn't be surprised if he did know what it is. Both that I got Teresa a Xmas present (that is one of those many-of-the-same-gifts-presents, but it just so happens to be something that I've planned on getting for her since about April of this year).
I guess I'm not so much proud of myself for having my shopping done (and it's not even December yet...) as I am feeling the weight lifted from my neck/head for accomplishing my first Christmas present giving, by myself, since I've been home from my mission (every Xmas shopping I've done since I've been home from my mission was with Stephanie and she did most of the purchasing/buying and we just "both" gave them away...).
So then... What is my point? Well, if you'll read back a few posts you'll be at my post on "giving-instead-of-getting" and you'll see why I'm so happy to be all ready to give away those special gifts that I've hand-selected for each person on my nice list ***that reminds me that I need to watch ELF soon!!!***.
JPS
You really don't have any reason to be excited for this seemingly large accomplishment, because almost all of my Christmas shopping, so far, has been done online and most of my presents are the same thing...
I've got a whopper of a good present though for my best friend. He could know what it is already, I mean... I wouldn't be surprised if he did know what it is. Both that I got Teresa a Xmas present (that is one of those many-of-the-same-gifts-presents, but it just so happens to be something that I've planned on getting for her since about April of this year).
I guess I'm not so much proud of myself for having my shopping done (and it's not even December yet...) as I am feeling the weight lifted from my neck/head for accomplishing my first Christmas present giving, by myself, since I've been home from my mission (every Xmas shopping I've done since I've been home from my mission was with Stephanie and she did most of the purchasing/buying and we just "both" gave them away...).
So then... What is my point? Well, if you'll read back a few posts you'll be at my post on "giving-instead-of-getting" and you'll see why I'm so happy to be all ready to give away those special gifts that I've hand-selected for each person on my nice list ***that reminds me that I need to watch ELF soon!!!***.
JPS
27.11.07
Credit Cards and Slavery...
I suppose that members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (I'm sure that this would include all of those of you are reading "Josh's random entries"...) have already heard talks and talks and testimonies of the Evils of Debt and of using a credit card...
I would just like to add my personal testimony of the evilness of credit cards. Not just that debt on a credit card can be dangerous, though, I am testifying of the inherit immorality of the companies that own, run, and offer credit cards.
They not only don't care about you and would just as soon sell your bones once you've died (and thus have NO compassion), but they also are crooked in their dealings and out-right lie about what they are doing to you!!!
Just follow the Brethren and don't fall into the snake-pit called credit card debt...
JPS
I would just like to add my personal testimony of the evilness of credit cards. Not just that debt on a credit card can be dangerous, though, I am testifying of the inherit immorality of the companies that own, run, and offer credit cards.
They not only don't care about you and would just as soon sell your bones once you've died (and thus have NO compassion), but they also are crooked in their dealings and out-right lie about what they are doing to you!!!
Just follow the Brethren and don't fall into the snake-pit called credit card debt...
JPS
25.11.07
Xmas or Christmas?
I used to kind of get offended when someone wrote the word "XMAS" on their Christmas decorations (and I suppose I could still talk about it enough that I get myself are-angrified...), but ever since I took a year-and-a-half of Ancient Greek, I've understood where that practice began.
You see, I used to say, "People [you!] are just blatantly taking Christ OUT of Christmas." The only decent and Christian part about the holiday, I would have argued, has just been "X"-ed out. I understood the "X" in Xmas to be a "wild card" letter or a question mark or a common and everyday variable (much like in math. Where x = 5 in x + 20 = 25).
After I gained a little more knowledge and incite about language, I learned that the "X" was an early christian symbol for Christ. In fact, both the fish (like all of the "Jesus Fish" stickers and symbols on cars) as well as the letter "X" (in Ancient Greek, a word meaning "messiah", which is what Jesus Christ is was written: Χριστός...).
So, in essence, Xmas means, literally: Christ Mas or the celebration of Christ or now that we've englishicized it: Christmas.
I suppose you could still get offended at it because we no longer speak greek or are familiar with the everyday language that Christ spoke (Greek... That is Ancient Greek...) and so be offended because we are not taking the symbol in the context in which it originated (or maybe because the people now using Xmas don't really understand what they're saying, but then again, if we want to push things that far, I'm going to come to your house and be offended at your lifestyle and the way that you are being irreverant and neigh unto blasphemous!).
Just give the X in Xmas a break, or better yet, read a little and find out that it actually is simply a shorthand way of writing Christ-mas. It's up to you...
JPS
24.11.07
Music in my brain...
Why is it that it seems like my best thinking is done when accompanied by music? Whenever I sit down to write a letter I have music playing in the background. Why is that?
When I was in the hospital doing in-patient therapy after my car accident, my vocational-therapist, Mark, had me take an IQ-ish test twice: once with no distraction and once while I had another job to work on. The end result was that he was testing whether I would achieve the same results, worse results, or better results if I was "slightly distracted" by another task.
His conclusion at the end of the therapy was that I perform better when I have something like music (not anything that would consume my mind or emotions...) going in the background, though I'm quite sure that this was always the case. As much as
I'm not sure if the same thing would have been said before the accident, but it's defiantly true since the brain damage... Since the accident, also, I've become painfully aware of the dangers of constantly filling your head with music (like those that never don't have an earpiece in their ear listening to their iPod...) and thus, make themselves essentially "deaf" to the whisperings of the Spirit and the yells and warnings from their loved ones.
Though, it's true that "listening-to-music" can be abused, it just makes sense to me that everybody would perform better with some music playing in the background. Maybe it's an idea created from watching movies, but every scene in life should have it's own background music! Music, it is well known and proven, increases your capacity to memorize and thus increases your capacity to remember what you learn. Some time later I'll have to write about memory, but it music definitely adds to one's memory or capacity to memorize.
Of course you have to remember the singing of praises to your God or the hymns that we sing in church or the carols that we sing during the holidays. My friend, Matt, says that he would like a radio station that just plays Christmas music year-round. I told him that we have invented something for just such an idea: CD players that will always play your own favorite CD of Christmas music...
Music will brighten the gloomiest day and will infuse your soul with the joy of the moment!!!
JPS
23.11.07
What's in a name?
I mean, wouldn't a rose by any other name be as sweet? But then again... Would it? I mean, would giving somebody a dozen [something that you detest and possibly causes you to vomit] wouldn't be the same. Not by a long shot!
I'm not saying that calling a rose by any other name wouldn't forever brand that something with the idea of beauty, but in just the same way, calling a rose by the name that you now have-embedded-in-your-head-as-something-awful would forever stain the idea of a "rose."
I'm sure that most names you could get used to switching the word in language and call it something else, because you would eventually come to know that as the item itself. It all goes back to the Philosophy of Language (one of my favorite classes at BYU...) and the saying vs. the said.
For example, I used to call Stephanie "Sweet" as a nickname, and that worked well and didn't have any linguistic or metaphoric conflicts. I was simply calling her by a name that embodied how I felt about her. However, I doubt that calling her a name that you might hear in an elementary or Jr. High school would have meant the same thing (and would have been entirely insulting to hear...).
When you call your wife by some other name, is it her name or what-you-mean-when-you-say-that-name that has the meaning? Again, we're back to the saying vs the said (I learned the fantastic pneumonic device of hyphenating-words-like-I-do in that philosophy class as well. A terribly all-around great class!!!). Like I was just saying, if it is a "new" name (or a nick-name...) then you simply attach or associate that word to the person. However, if it's a name or a word that you have already attached some unpleasant meaning to it, then, by association you have just called that person an unpleasant thing. So, in essence Juliet was wrong because a rose by some names simply wouldn't smell as sweet.
JPS
22.11.07
Fix you...
I'm listening to "Fix You" by Coldplay, on their X&Y album, and I saw a dumb sitcom on TV today about this brother who ended up in a string of bad relationships because he always was sympathetic to the girl's plight and jumped in to "rescue" the girl. This move always ended up in tragedy, with his heart being broken while in the midst of trying to solve the girl's problems. I feel for this poor guy and can feel myself in his place a lot of the time.
What is it about some guys (or maybe even most guys if not ALL guys) that makes them think that if there is a problem with the girl that they are interested in or seeing/spending time with, they think that they can and need to solve the problems of that girl?
I think that part of the reason is that it all comes back down to the "trying to get the girl syndrome" or they feel like if the take the burdens of the girl on their own back, then the girl will be interested in them--if for no other reason than they are currently carrying that burden. I am often in the same situation: Recently I tried to take on the financial burden of a girl that I was dating before she left on her mission. She kindly declined my help...
Can you see, I was and am trying to get into the fix-you relationships!
The thing is... I figure that getting into a relationship is kind of "signing-up" for a hard life and, therefore, necessarily is volunteering to fix one another. I just can't wait to be in a relationship where we are both trying to fix ourselves and simultaneously do-our-part-to-make-the-other's-life better...
JPS
21.11.07
It's no fun when you're sick (and you're not going to be able to help anyone else!)
So then, for about a full week I haven't been feeling that great. I guess that it started effecting my daily routine that first week and hasn't really been much better ever since that first day.
I guess it's good though to remind me how much we all are (and I am too!) dependant on the Lord and his blessings.
My mom has a similar strain of virus to whatever it is that I have and today I walked into the kitchen and said something to at the family room. A female voice answered me and I thought that it was my sister. When I finally went back to the family room, I saw, though, that it was my mother who had answered me. From what she had said and from the little conversation that we had, I immediately went in and asked my dad to come and give her a blessing (because she was not functioning like she should be.
He came in and blessed her and then blessed me, and I asked out loud, "Why is it, do you think, that we as a family and as a people generally not look to the Priesthood to help resolve these problems?" Ok, maybe I didn't use such elegant language (not that I write too terribly well or speak so masterfully...). I just remember reading about Joseph Smith almost condemning the members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles for "relying on the arm of flesh" instead of humbling themselves and allowing the priesthood that surrounds them (and us, I might add...) to bless them.
Think of how many lives of other people we are failing to bless because we are not well or we are failing to get healed any quicker that the Dramamine or penicillin to take effect and kill our parasites. Too many hours are wasted!!!
I know that I am the probably the first to try and plow though a sickness and rely on my prayers and faith to help me through it. BUT, why don't I let someone else use their faith (and I can continue to use my own...) and allow them to utilize and exercise their God-given-Priesthood-Power. If you think about it in this way... You are selfishly denying someone that opportunity!
My son, Addison, just bore his testimony last Sunday about how he knows that the Priesthood blessings given to he and I, after our accident helped us to heal and possibly saved our lives! I love the faith that was planted into his heart just from saying those words...
I pray that we will all be able to help those around us to the best of our abilities because we are humble enough to ask for a Priesthood Blessing when we should be healed from a malady or sickness (don't think you're "saving your faith for something bigger" because, you're NOT! You're just NOT exercising your faith, at all!!!).
JPS
20.11.07
Thanksgiving is here, Thanksgiving is here!!!
[turning down my McCartney music so that I can concentrate on something other than his music and what I'm usually thinking of when his music is on...]
So, we have a big fat turkey and maybe some ham, but most importantly of all... We can eat a lot and even many pies! What is this all for?
I don't really want a nice historical recounting of the pilgrims and their first harsh and almost last winter and then being rescued by the Indians who shared their bountious meals with them. What do I want to know then?
What are you thankful for? For this year? For your whole life?
I think that, and even for me, the third Thursday in November has become something other than a "day of thanksgiving" but has turned into a little "pre-christmas-warmup". Thanksgiving should be a day when we really count all of the good gifts and blessings that God has given us; both infinite and eternal--we need to think of the mountains of blessings that God has given us as well as the blessings that he has given us to enjoy forever.
He has given us 1) our bodies, our minds, and our spirits (then dare to contemplate your family and families that you belong to and each of the spirits that you are brother or sisters with...). He has given us our 2) earth to live on (then think outwardly to all the countless planets and stars in just our universe alone and then venture on beyond that [ok, don't be careful to not hurt yourself thinking of this stuff...]. He has given us 3) our Gospel, our church, and the Priesthood (if you dare, think of all the things this blessing has jurisdiction over and all of the blessings that you are permitted to participate in...).
He has also given us the eternities and everything that's included in that concept: the eternal blesings the each of the infinite blessings we've remembered will enjoy for, how long? Eternity.
Just think of it this way: You think that just infinite is an impossible concept to understand, but then just remember that all of those infinite points stretch forever and are eternal! Every one of those points that line up on an X axis go forever and then remember that we can stretch the points on the Y axis forever too. Then imagine, if you will, that we add a 4th axis on our 3-dimentional model, becuase we've now entered the point where we add time to this model...
Ok, now come on back. Don't worry about a 4th point at all or time and let your brain start to relax as it simply is Thankful (possibly because you can just deal with thinking of things as you have seen them act in the world?!?).
All right... Now that we've started you thinking of how much you should be thnkful for, just remember that you should turn off that bowl-game/football playoff/violent legal-gladiator-game and discuss what this holiday really means. Then, of course, eat more pie. Remember that you should always come back to that part of the night: pie-eating!
JPS
19.11.07
Prepare, don't make flight...
Several times in the scriptures it talks about leaving in flight or going by haste (D&C 133:15-But verily, thus saith the Lord, let not your flight be in haste, but let all things be prepared before you; and he that goeth, let him not look back lest sudden destruction shall come upon him.), but let all things be prepared in the Spirit.
In another verse, the scripture speaks of the "gathering in" of the saints: D&C 58:56-And let the work of the gathering be not in haste, nor by flight; but let it be done as it shall be counseled by the elders of the church at the conferences, according to the knowledge which they receive from time to time.
I have found though, the voice of authority on "moving too quickly" when Joseph Smith Jr. wrote in 1832: "I do not care how fast you run on the path of virtue... There is no danger in going too fast in that path" (spoken to a newly formed Relief Society in the upper room of his "red-brick-store").
What am I so defensive about? Am I fighting a war in which there is no opposing side? Do I seem like I'm going over the edge a little bit? I don't know... I hope that I haven't left the circle-of-saneness and ventured beyond those walls!
I'm not so much "justifying" myself or my actions as I am laying a framework where anyone who enters in can feel safe and protected from the comments coming from outside (even if the comments are only in my head...) Ok, it's me!!! How can I not feel self-conscious about aggressively chasing after a girl when I'm 31 (32 next month... :( and the girl that I'm actively pursuing (even though she is currently half-a-world-away) is only 23.
The thing is... I'm not in a panic-mode or acting like a crazy obsessive man (I don't think...). Things are just going to play out as the should and nobody is going to get the feathers ruffled as they witness the events play-out.
JPS
18.11.07
Paul McCartney revisited...
I seems that I have chosen, for various reasons, to associate my feelings for Teresa with Paul McCarney's music. From the fact that my best friend is Matt (The MDG [themdg.org]) LOVES his music and listens to him as often as he does, McCartney's music is already familiar to me.
I gave already singled-out a few of his songs as being my favorite songs (when it comes to "being in love" with a person [and not necessarily the songs that you would have most likely chosen: "Silly Love Songs", etc.]), but now it seems weird to have a singer/songwriter that I've always-been-familiar-with remind me so quickly and thoroughly about a girl that I have only just met less than one year ago...
The songs now both remind me of her when I hear them, but as I'm reminded of her from something else (like maybe a memory or I hear her name or I hear of a movie that she loves...), the thought of her is accompanied by Mr. Paul McCartney in my mind.
Funny... Funny how the same thing took lace with John Lennon and Stephanie back in High School. Now, I am not condemning anyone but Stephanie to the-pit-of-despair-called-DIVORCE but simply pointing out this fact that the same phenomenon happened with her... It's even funnier that my best friend's practically got McCartney in his basement because he loves him so much and is undoubtedly HIS BIGGEST FAN EVER!!!
I don't know...
I don't want to read things into my-so-called-love-life based on the Beatles and its break-off artists... While I'm not reading things into that relationship though, let me remind you that 1- John Lennon is dead (as well as my relationship with Stephanie: dead) and 2-McCartney is still alive and well and still making terrific music as we speak (just have Matt go in his basement and see when Paul's next album will be released... OK, only kidding about that whole basement thing... I think!).
Also, Matt is now my best friend (still) and has been the only person outside of my immediate family who has "stuck-with-me-through-it-all".
Maybe Paul McCartney just makes me think of "loyalty" -- He stayed with Linda til her untimely death. Am I simply attracted to that feeling of LOYALTY or does McCartney really NOT play a major role in all of this?
JPS
16.11.07
High School feelings again?
What I mean by the title is this: Shouldn't I be old enough and have gained enough life experience that I shouldn't be feeling the same thing (or similar things...) as the days when I was in High School?
To answer my own question: I guess not. I can still have feelings of anxiety, just like the anxiety that I felt when I was in High School, only now, I have "more mature anxiety and anxieties".
I guess that I have called them "High School anxieties or high school feelings" because I honestly haven't felt anxious like that since High School.
What sort of anxieties am I talking about, you ask?
Well, first, I'm trying to get the girl's attention. This should be easier than it used to be, right? Well, yes and no... You see, I now have 10+ years of serious relationship experience, including an entire marriage that I can look back on and learn from. The thing is... Being in love again makes me feel like a little grade-school boy, and honestly, my marriage had some bright moments, but I look at it now as a "what-not-to-do-ever-again" exercise.
Now, though, my anxieties aren't coming from the same things that they used to come from... (I used to be nervous about the new things I was about to encounter/engage in and the new feelings that I was feeling for the first time) Now, though, the anxieties are coming from an "over-kill" of desired experiences and emotions. Since I am not frightened of "entering into this stage of the relationship", I don't stop to think that the person that I'm trying to enter that "stage" with probably hasn't ever been there before, and she is more like the new-beginner-who-is-frightened-to-tread-that-water. I guess I could just put it more plainly: I want things to move too fast!!!
I fear that I'm only going to be able to chalk this up to one-more-experience-I'll-be-able-to-look-back-on-and-learn-from and hope that I don't have to set it next to the pile of lessons that I've already learned from "failed relationships"!
JPS
15.11.07
Gift or fruitless temptation?
Today I was messing around with my phone and called the girl that I am interested in, who happens to be on a mission right now (and NO, she isn't returning the letters that I am writing to her... But, I don't mind that really... at all...) and her sister answered the phone.
I completely didn't think someone would answer the phone, yet there was this girls voice on the other end. Initially I thought, "Teresa Lynne?" (and I had a sudden shudder of fear and disappointment and excitement to talk to her again) but she,the sister that I was talking to, gave me some great information about the Geneva Switzerland Mission (French Speaking) and about her sister's mission.
The reason that I named this post "gift or fruitless temptation" is because (1) it was really great to talk to a person that had 1st-hand knowledge of how things were going and (2) it was fun to hear someone on the other end of that number again but (3) it DID get me all excited over something that may end up amounting up to pain and suffering as I've "stirred the pot" (I'm not sure if that's a real idiaomatic phrase, but shouldn't it be one?) and potentially hurt something that was going fine (though also traveling BLIND).
What I mean by that is: Even though I wasn't receiving any feedback at all from my french-speaking-missionary-friend, NOW that I've altered that pathway, I'm not as sure that things will go ahead as would if I kept my simple straightforward plan (of writing to her for her whole mission and letting things play-out as they would...).
Then again, I think that this post is more of a fruitless temptation to doubt myself to oblivion than the possibility of this event having any lasting negative consequences.
I just had a vision of Harold Crick (from "Stranger than Fiction") telling Professor Jules Hilbert (played by Dustin Hoffman) that he had Ana Pascal's (played by Maggie Gyllenhaal) love confirmed to him the night before by "the voice".
I simply can't doubt my choices for love.
JPS
14.11.07
Dating! hmm?
Well, it has been a whole year since my divorce... Still, I have little to no desire to start dating again. That is, except for dating someone that I have already fallen in love with.
I wonder if I'm experiencing a phenomenon (phenomenonemonemon, right Matt?) that other or maybe all people who have been divorced experience. That is, I would like to date only the person that I already have developed some feeling of LOVE for...
I just completely do not want to "start over" loving someone else. Sure, you could say (and maybe you already are saying...) that getting to know someone is half the fun or that it wouldn't be worth getting married without the whole process of getting to know the person.
If you're saying that... I guess you're absolutely right. In the moments after the divorce though, you would rather just jump right into another relationship that picks up right where the other relationship went sour. Alas though... You can't jump into any relationship and have it meet the standards that you expected and were divorced over in the first marriage. Does that make sense?
Let me just say that the only way that you are going to arrive at a marriage that you were looking for (or at least this is the way that I think of this...) is to start at the very beginning and thus be able to get to know each other and understand each other, and your new experiences and talk to each other and ask questions and become each other's best friend.
Or, at least, I suspect that you'd have to start out that way and make every decision with a solid and pure and fun and as-close-to-perfect-marriage as you can think of having. So... That's all I'm asking for... Is that too much to ask?
If that is too much to ask, I can introduce you to my ex-wife, because she wasn't interested in that either and you'll probably hit it off!
JPS
13.11.07
Christmas Presents...
I just love giving Christmas presents. Even more than getting presents, I love giving the presents. You may say, "No, receiving a good present is WAY more exciting than giving a present to someone..."
However, just think about that dichotomy for a second. What I mean by that is this: giving or getting presents, both involve presents, but having a present and giving it way or opening up a present and then owning it... Here's the part where I've asked you to think about it. No, not by just using the word "dichotomy" in the sentence... You're not done thinking.
You all know the simplistic statement, "It is better to give than to receive..." Have you ever thought of it from the point of view of the giver though and admitted that when you get a present and open it, the excitement is pretty much over (that is, unless you fall asleep with the present and are woken only to relive the excitement of it again. But, that hasn't really happened since I was 5 or so...).
When you are giving a present though, you have all the excitement of thinking of the gift (and depending on how far in advance you've thought of this present, this could last for months even...), and then you make or buy the gift and keep it in your "secret hiding place". Now you've got the time from when you get the gift or make it until the day that you give the gift.
Now we come to the day of the actual giving the gift... Just stop again and think of how much you've already enjoyed the whole gift-giving-scenario. Comparatively speaking, you've already far out-enjoyed the "gift getting" probability.
We've now come to grand finale of it all though... The opening of the gift(s). Even if you've never thought of this before, you actually are just as anxious when you're watching someone open YOUR present as you are when opening your own...
So, now we can clearly see that GIVING is better than GETTING... No question really (and I didn't even bring up the whole Christian arguments)
JPS
However, just think about that dichotomy for a second. What I mean by that is this: giving or getting presents, both involve presents, but having a present and giving it way or opening up a present and then owning it... Here's the part where I've asked you to think about it. No, not by just using the word "dichotomy" in the sentence... You're not done thinking.
You all know the simplistic statement, "It is better to give than to receive..." Have you ever thought of it from the point of view of the giver though and admitted that when you get a present and open it, the excitement is pretty much over (that is, unless you fall asleep with the present and are woken only to relive the excitement of it again. But, that hasn't really happened since I was 5 or so...).
When you are giving a present though, you have all the excitement of thinking of the gift (and depending on how far in advance you've thought of this present, this could last for months even...), and then you make or buy the gift and keep it in your "secret hiding place". Now you've got the time from when you get the gift or make it until the day that you give the gift.
Now we come to the day of the actual giving the gift... Just stop again and think of how much you've already enjoyed the whole gift-giving-scenario. Comparatively speaking, you've already far out-enjoyed the "gift getting" probability.
We've now come to grand finale of it all though... The opening of the gift(s). Even if you've never thought of this before, you actually are just as anxious when you're watching someone open YOUR present as you are when opening your own...
So, now we can clearly see that GIVING is better than GETTING... No question really (and I didn't even bring up the whole Christian arguments)
JPS
12.11.07
Insrance and insurability...
I've had some stuggles enrolling for insurance over the past few years. Two years ago, I had a little "misshap" with my insurance where my wife, my son, and I weren't enrolled at all in any insurance plan (EXPENSIVE medications that year! Let me tell you...), and luckily I had already filled up my "get-into-a-serious-accident-card" and we were blessed to not have any serious damage. Oh wait, that's right... Addison, my little boy, had to have his tonsils and his adoids removed that year.
From then on I've double and sometimes triple (or even quintiple) checked to make sure that both I and my son were insured.
This year I'm raising or increasing my Life Insurance to 5 times my salary instead of just 3 times. Not that I plan on losing my life anytime in the not-to-distant-future, but "better safe than sorry...". And I'm not worried about what happens to me when I die, but just want to ensure that Addison is well taken care of.
As Stephanie-my-ex-wife would feel forced to say, "Knock-on-wood!" for having even written this post... Oh well, "it's good to face your fears..."
JPS
From then on I've double and sometimes triple (or even quintiple) checked to make sure that both I and my son were insured.
This year I'm raising or increasing my Life Insurance to 5 times my salary instead of just 3 times. Not that I plan on losing my life anytime in the not-to-distant-future, but "better safe than sorry...". And I'm not worried about what happens to me when I die, but just want to ensure that Addison is well taken care of.
As Stephanie-my-ex-wife would feel forced to say, "Knock-on-wood!" for having even written this post... Oh well, "it's good to face your fears..."
JPS
9.11.07
Karate et al.
Back when my son, Addison (no, my name is NOT Adam, which is what his name means, literally. That is, unless you want to consider that 1- I am a man born here on the earth, 2- I often speak with God [hey... prayers count!], 3- every man is like Adam, as he is the offspring of God the Father and is in his express image [no, he is NOT the same as "the only begotten"] physically, and 4- we are asked to think of ourselves as Adam and Eve respectively when we go to the temple and make covenants)...
So, Addison, then... (Who brought me off point then?) is now living in California with his mom. About 3 years ago I was driving down the street and had seen a bunch of Karate "Dojos" pop up, as they constantly tend to wax and wain in popularity, and I promised myself that my son WOULD be able to take Karate if he wanted to (as I know that I did growing up...).
My point then: he is enrolled in Karate class. Kajukempo to be precise. He'll be attending Kajukempo class in California and will be going to Karate class with his dear old dad, Adam... Er, wait, I mean Josh, when he's with me here in Utah.
I love that he loves going to karate and hope that nothing ever gets in his way of taking classes and therefore, in his enjoyment of Karate.
JPS
So, Addison, then... (Who brought me off point then?) is now living in California with his mom. About 3 years ago I was driving down the street and had seen a bunch of Karate "Dojos" pop up, as they constantly tend to wax and wain in popularity, and I promised myself that my son WOULD be able to take Karate if he wanted to (as I know that I did growing up...).
My point then: he is enrolled in Karate class. Kajukempo to be precise. He'll be attending Kajukempo class in California and will be going to Karate class with his dear old dad, Adam... Er, wait, I mean Josh, when he's with me here in Utah.
I love that he loves going to karate and hope that nothing ever gets in his way of taking classes and therefore, in his enjoyment of Karate.
JPS
8.11.07
What to do... What to say...
I've noticed that the only thing that I can count on getting me all fired up and "ready to go" is the Gospel; talking about the Gospel, discussing different parts of the Gospel, and answering different people's (even MY own...) questions about Truth.
Even when it comes right down to it... I enjoy and love talking to people (hey... that's what I've chosen to do for a job right now and plan on getting an advanced degree so that I can, yes you guessed it, TALK to kids/students about life and school). However, my desire to talk to people for an extended amount of time depends on how much we can talk about the Truth's of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
When I say, "Truth", I am not limiting that to just church-talk. Truth can be found all over the place and depending on how you are talking about whatever, it could be talking about the Truths of Jesus Christ. You see... Everything testifies of Christ and almost anything can be talking about a Truth.
Some things, though, are automatically going to be talking about Truth; like talking to my son, Addison, or talking/writing to Teresa Lynne Monroe, simply because when I'm talking/writing to them or thinking about them, I necessarily MUST admit and even declare the Truths of the Gospel. "Families are Forever" or "I do not care how fast you run in the path of virtue" -Joseph Smith Jr. (in that order, respectively!).
Am I ashamed? NO!!! Should I be? NO!!! Should you be for asking? That's up to you to determine...
JPS
7.11.07
Disneyland...!?!
Great place!
I've been there a total of two times (2x). The first time I went I was 5 with my Grandma and Grandpa (er, maybe 6...) and my cousins who lived in Salt Lake. The funny thing is that the thing I remember the most from that trip is falling on top of my sleeping Grandpa from the a little cabinet that was "inside" of the "living room" of the camper (or, as my Grandma calls it, "Our 5th wheel..."). The funny thing was that he didn't even wake up. In fact, never missed a beat with his very-loud-snoring from having a 50+ lb.-dead-weight fall on top of him while he was in deep sleep...
And then, in 2003 when I finally went there again, I had the best time, simply because I went there with my little 5 year old boy. That time he found every single character and had them autograph his little celebrity autograph-book that we bought for him there. I had so much fun just enjoying seeing him have the most fun that I've ever seen him have...
That AND I got to ride on "Star Tours". That was the all-time-best ride that I can even imagine ever riding! ! ! The ride is crazy-fun mostly because you don't actually move anywhere. You just are sitting in the same fixed seat that you sat down in when you walked into the room and have a whole ride in your head. HOW fun can a ride be? Answer: Star Tours.
I don't think that I'll ever go to the park again UNLESS I'm with someone who is either 1) a child who had never been there before or 2) wants to go as a family vacation...
JPS
6.11.07
Which Holiday Facts Are Informative, Which Are Completely Untrue? Maybe Only I Will Ever Really Know
Christmas
Christmas was once a moveable feast celebrated during many different times throughout the year. The decision to celebrate Christmas only once a year, on 25 December, was made by Pope Julius I in the fourth century A.D ., because this coincided with his annual Winter Solstice, or Return of the Sun, beer bust and orgy. The Pope's intent was to replace the pagan celebration of beer drinking with the Christian one: drinking even larger quantities of wine and rum-laden eggnog until passing out.
Many of the traditions associated with Christmas (giving gifts, singing carols, decorating a pine-needle wreath, setting it on fire, and throwing it into your least favorite neighbor's thatched roof) hark back to religions predating Christ.
Winter Solstice
During the first millennium in what today is known as Scotland, or the Land of Men who wear Skirts, Winter Solstice (the shortest day of the year) was celebrated by the Druids — fat, old ladies, wearing twenty-year-old Japanese kimonos — in honor of their Sun God, Fabio, and rejoicing in the longer days, signaling the coming of Spring.
Winter Solstice is also often called Yule. A huge log — the Yule Log — is brought into an outdoor clearing and becomes part of a great bonfire. Everyone sings and dances around the fire (with the leftover wine and rum from Christmas). All of the noise and great excitement is said to awaken the Sun from its long winter sleep — every time it had come up during the Winter it had merely been sleepwalking, or as the scientists called it, sleeporbiting — hurrying Spring on its way.
Dosmoche — Tibetan Celebration of the Dying Year
For five days, dancers dress up in hideous masks to frighten away the evil spirits of the coming year. Feasting and prayers fill the days, and the finale comes when the magical pole (covered with stars, crosses, and pentagrams made of string, upon which this festival is centered), is torn down by the townsfolk and used to beat the old Druids from Scotland.
Feast of the Ass — Middle Ages Christian Festival
At one time this was a solemn celebration reenacting the flight of the holy family into Egypt and ending with Mass in the church. The festival became very popular as it transformed into a humorous parody in which the ass was led into the church and treated as an honored guest while the priest and the congregation all brayed like asses. The Church suppressed it in the fifteenth century, although it remained popular and did not die out until years later — though it's still an underground favorite in the parishes and convents. If you plan on approaching your local priest about this year's reenacting, the code word is blasphemy.
La Befana — Italy's Santa Claus
La Befana, the kindly witch, rides a broomstick down the chimney to put toys into the stockings of Italian children. As the legend goes, Befana was "sweeping her steps" (code for "paying off the Mafia") when the three Wise Men stopped and asked her to come to see the Baby Jesus. "No," she said, "I am too busy." She later changed her mind, but it was too late. So, to this day, she goes out on Christmas Eve searching for the Holy Child, leaving gifts for Him in each household. Why it is that she is a witch should be obvious to those of you familiar with Christmas and brooms.
Butter Sculpture Festival — Buddhist New Year
To celebrate the New Year in Tibet, Buddhist monks create elaborate yak-butter sculptures depicting a different story or fable. The sculptures reach thirty feet in the air and are lit with special butter lamps. Awards are given for the best butter sculptures, and free hot bread and a small, blunt knife are given to all who attend.
Night of the Radishes
Each year since the mid-nineteenth century in Oaxaca, Mexico, on 23 December, the introduction of the radish by the Spanish colonists is commemorated. Radishes in this region grow to the size of yams and are twisted and distorted (morally) from growing in the rocky soil. These unusual shapes are exploited, as local artisans carve them into elaborate depictions of Biblical scenes, Aztec legends, and episodes of I Love Lucy (and often, We Love Lucy). Cash prizes are awarded and the evening culminates with a spectacular fireworks display and a slice of radish pie. Yum.
Hari-Kuyo — Japanese Festival of the Broken Needles
This Buddhist celebration, held every 8 December since 400 A.D., was once only observed by tailors and dressmakers, but today anyone who will admit to knowing how to sew can participate. A special shrine is made for the needles, which contains offerings of food, scissors, a lock of hair from a Scottish Druid, and thimbles. A pan of tofu (soybean curd) at the center of the shrine has all of the broken and bent needles saved throughout the year inserted into it. As the needles go into the tofu, the sewer recites a special prayer in thanks for its fine service over the year. Finally, devotees and participators wrap their tofu in paper and launch them out to sea, and the needles find their final resting place at sea. The ACLU is investigating this practice and its potential harmful effects on the environment, as many fish have been washed ashore with serious cases of tetanus or lockjaw. The needles are held suspect.
At no time should a person observing Hari-Kuyo stick themselves with a needle — this special practice is reserved for the next day when the Japanese festival Hari-Kari is celebrated.
4.11.07
Agency and power...
I am reading a book right now called "Understanding the Power God gives Us: What Agency really Means" by Joseph Fielding Smith...
Something just came up, while bidding on an Ebay item that I was not only discouraged from making, but my dad even said, "You better hope that you lose!" I bid 50.03 on a Paul McCartney rareish CD called "B Sides Himself-A rare compilation of B-Sides and remixes" and won it for $43.55.
Now, to the point of this post: Do we often get ANYTHING in this life without taking a little chance? Oh sure, I suppose that I should tell you that the reason that I am buying it is for a girl. Not just any other girl that I may buy something for though, but a girl that is currently in Switzerland on an LDS mission.
Am I crazy?
To add more fuel to this slowly rising fire, she asked me not to even ask her out--before she left on her mission. However, she also told me that I could write to her (though she told me she probably wouldn't ever write back...). Faithfully I send her out a nice letter once a week and never do expect to receive anything in return.
The thing is, I don't think that when it comes to people of the opposite-sex that you really, necessarily are going to be able to accomplish what you want to do without taking some risks and having a little faith. I suppose that I have the option of going 2 different ways with this entry: faith and/or risks.
What I'm trying to say is that faith necessarily includes and involves some risk.
When Abraham was on Mount Moriah with Isaac he was definitely exercising faith when he raised his hand with a knife in it; ready to take his only son's life away. He didn't know the outcome of that event and had no way of knowing tat God would stop him before he brought-down the knife and sacrificed his son. He couldn't have known that God was going to stop him. If he had known that, then Abraham wouldn't have been the great example of faith that he is.
There was nothing but the certainty that he was going to kill his son. That is what makes his act so great and so faithful. Abraham was the epidomy of being faithful, and being faithful, one must be exercising his or her agency. That is what agency means: choosing eternal life over the sin that one is presented with. To exercise faith means to necessarily be risking.
Why I am going on about this is: Nothing comes to you without exercising faith. Not even little things, because everything requires that little risk.
Sure, I want my little French-speaking missionary to be pleased with my purchase, but I'm taking the risk that she won't or that she doesn't want anything from me or even that she is insulted at the very idea of me going out on a limb and buying her an expensive present--with no guarantee attached.
On the other hand... How could I NOT?
This means enough to me to offer at least a bit of faith...
JPS
Something just came up, while bidding on an Ebay item that I was not only discouraged from making, but my dad even said, "You better hope that you lose!" I bid 50.03 on a Paul McCartney rareish CD called "B Sides Himself-A rare compilation of B-Sides and remixes" and won it for $43.55.
Now, to the point of this post: Do we often get ANYTHING in this life without taking a little chance? Oh sure, I suppose that I should tell you that the reason that I am buying it is for a girl. Not just any other girl that I may buy something for though, but a girl that is currently in Switzerland on an LDS mission.
Am I crazy?
To add more fuel to this slowly rising fire, she asked me not to even ask her out--before she left on her mission. However, she also told me that I could write to her (though she told me she probably wouldn't ever write back...). Faithfully I send her out a nice letter once a week and never do expect to receive anything in return.
The thing is, I don't think that when it comes to people of the opposite-sex that you really, necessarily are going to be able to accomplish what you want to do without taking some risks and having a little faith. I suppose that I have the option of going 2 different ways with this entry: faith and/or risks.
What I'm trying to say is that faith necessarily includes and involves some risk.
When Abraham was on Mount Moriah with Isaac he was definitely exercising faith when he raised his hand with a knife in it; ready to take his only son's life away. He didn't know the outcome of that event and had no way of knowing tat God would stop him before he brought-down the knife and sacrificed his son. He couldn't have known that God was going to stop him. If he had known that, then Abraham wouldn't have been the great example of faith that he is.
There was nothing but the certainty that he was going to kill his son. That is what makes his act so great and so faithful. Abraham was the epidomy of being faithful, and being faithful, one must be exercising his or her agency. That is what agency means: choosing eternal life over the sin that one is presented with. To exercise faith means to necessarily be risking.
Why I am going on about this is: Nothing comes to you without exercising faith. Not even little things, because everything requires that little risk.
Sure, I want my little French-speaking missionary to be pleased with my purchase, but I'm taking the risk that she won't or that she doesn't want anything from me or even that she is insulted at the very idea of me going out on a limb and buying her an expensive present--with no guarantee attached.
On the other hand... How could I NOT?
This means enough to me to offer at least a bit of faith...
JPS
3.11.07
The Stigma of Mental Health...
This is a small excerpt from my class PSY 3400 class at UVSC (the stigma web page):
MY STORY
On the 8th of April, 2001, I was getting ready for the long-ish drive up to Bountiful, Utah to see my cousins' family being seeled to their newest adopted girl, Taylor. In order to travel up to the temple with my little boy, Addison, sleeping the whole-way or most-of-the-way, I was planning to drive him around in the car.
I had pulled out onto 1600 N. in Orem (that going west will lead to the freeway) to travel back East to State Street, but as I pulled into the intersection of the cross-streets of 1600 N. and 800 W. (with a convenience store on the corner--at least in 2001-2007 that is still the case), a speeding car ran the red light that I was stopped at and smashed into my driver's side of the car.
No, Addison was fine and is a happy all-but not injured boy (except for a small scar on his left leg)! Should I call him with you standing here, just so you can hear him talk to you? ... For some reason that nobody can explain, although he left my house in a front-facing-car-seat, but the ambulence drivers and police say that they found him in a rear-facing car seat (same seat, just turned backwards). Because he was in a rear-facing-position, his life was saved or at least kept him from very serious injuries...
I was in a coma for almost 4 months and was kept at the hospital for an additional eight months, but then was able to come home to my wife and my barely-one-year-old son. Well, it's been several years since then, and I am more than proud to tell of the tale. Sure, it's left me a little "banged-up" and I can't straighten my fight arm completely and I never had to wear glasses before the accident (unless I would wear "fake" glass-lense-glasses).
Oh, yes... I guess you can consider me retarded. But you can only because of the fact that I AM slowed down. However, instant-message me (Windows Messenger: joshua_stott@hotmail.com) and you will find that I am definately NOT a mentally retarded man...
So, maybe you could re-evaluate your initial impression of me and what sort of problems you would like to label me with. After you're done re-elvaluating your thoughts, please, read through the rest of this site and see what other kinds of things there are to know about the STIGMA of MENTAL HEALTH...
MY STORY
On the 8th of April, 2001, I was getting ready for the long-ish drive up to Bountiful, Utah to see my cousins' family being seeled to their newest adopted girl, Taylor. In order to travel up to the temple with my little boy, Addison, sleeping the whole-way or most-of-the-way, I was planning to drive him around in the car.
I had pulled out onto 1600 N. in Orem (that going west will lead to the freeway) to travel back East to State Street, but as I pulled into the intersection of the cross-streets of 1600 N. and 800 W. (with a convenience store on the corner--at least in 2001-2007 that is still the case), a speeding car ran the red light that I was stopped at and smashed into my driver's side of the car.
No, Addison was fine and is a happy all-but not injured boy (except for a small scar on his left leg)! Should I call him with you standing here, just so you can hear him talk to you? ... For some reason that nobody can explain, although he left my house in a front-facing-car-seat, but the ambulence drivers and police say that they found him in a rear-facing car seat (same seat, just turned backwards). Because he was in a rear-facing-position, his life was saved or at least kept him from very serious injuries...
I was in a coma for almost 4 months and was kept at the hospital for an additional eight months, but then was able to come home to my wife and my barely-one-year-old son. Well, it's been several years since then, and I am more than proud to tell of the tale. Sure, it's left me a little "banged-up" and I can't straighten my fight arm completely and I never had to wear glasses before the accident (unless I would wear "fake" glass-lense-glasses).
Oh, yes... I guess you can consider me retarded. But you can only because of the fact that I AM slowed down. However, instant-message me (Windows Messenger: joshua_stott@hotmail.com) and you will find that I am definately NOT a mentally retarded man...
So, maybe you could re-evaluate your initial impression of me and what sort of problems you would like to label me with. After you're done re-elvaluating your thoughts, please, read through the rest of this site and see what other kinds of things there are to know about the STIGMA of MENTAL HEALTH...
2.11.07
Star Wars!!!
Come on, every guy must, that is NEEDS to, admit that STAR WARS is something that if you were to take it away--that is take away every memory, every watching, every time you were playing "Lightsabers" outside with your best friend--and your friend yells, "Duck!" as he spins around with his Lightsaber aimed about nose level (to chop off the heads of the masses of stormtroopers swarming around you...) in one fluid sweep to chop off all the heads of said 'troopers, and clocks you in the nose (as you didn't hear him say "DUCK!") which will bleed profusely for the next few minutes--your world would be a little LESS. I mean, it's not hard... So, you might as well just admit it.
You would miss all of those opening-day viewings of the movies. Sure... It won't be mentioned in your obituary that you saw all of the second trilogy movies on the opening day (well... I guess that depends on WHO WRITES YOUR OBITUARY doesn't it?).
You would miss all of the countless hours of playtime by yourself or with a friend having mock-space-wars (sometimes every day or nightly), trying to save the little people of the earth from having to live under the evil clutches of Darth Vader or the insidious Emperor Palpatine.
Last of all, you definately miss the presige you had and felt when your relatives would set-you-up in front of the whole family just to "quiz" you about the Star Wars Universe and felt sure that they were going to "stump" the little 5-year-old-know-it-all-who-thinks-just-because-he-knows-as-much-about-a-fictional-movie-as-you-think-that-you-probably-know-about-your-own-life only to laugh and cry as he answers each and every one of the questions that you thought there was no way that he would answer.
In conclusion, your world WOULD BE LESS!!! Ok, maybe that's just MY world would be less...
JPS
You would miss all of those opening-day viewings of the movies. Sure... It won't be mentioned in your obituary that you saw all of the second trilogy movies on the opening day (well... I guess that depends on WHO WRITES YOUR OBITUARY doesn't it?).
You would miss all of the countless hours of playtime by yourself or with a friend having mock-space-wars (sometimes every day or nightly), trying to save the little people of the earth from having to live under the evil clutches of Darth Vader or the insidious Emperor Palpatine.
Last of all, you definately miss the presige you had and felt when your relatives would set-you-up in front of the whole family just to "quiz" you about the Star Wars Universe and felt sure that they were going to "stump" the little 5-year-old-know-it-all-who-thinks-just-because-he-knows-as-much-about-a-fictional-movie-as-you-think-that-you-probably-know-about-your-own-life only to laugh and cry as he answers each and every one of the questions that you thought there was no way that he would answer.
In conclusion, your world WOULD BE LESS!!! Ok, maybe that's just MY world would be less...
JPS
30.10.07
Halloween Musings...
Halloween.
I am torn between thinking that the holiday is great and despising this time of year as a time when people have a ready-made-excuse to be something they know they're not. Do you really enjoy being something you're not? Do you really want to change and be so different?
I guess on one hand, it could be something very good and be a stepping-stool to a knew life and even a sort of spiritual rebirth of sorts. Then again, I don't think I've ever seen too many "saint" costumes or little Noah or Moseses running around town knocking on doors.
Maybe I've just given myself a great "righteous costume" and make two big styrofoam tablets and run around as a prophet. But even saying that, I wonder if that isn't getting sacreligous bordering on blasphemy... I just don't know how I feel about it.
What I am saying is that: even all those good moms that think they're going to side-step the whole issue of "evil" and have their kids dress-up as mystical or fantastical figures, aren't they indulging in the same exact thing, but kidding themselves into thinking that they're not? I mean, isn't even dressing up as the "best" costume the same as dressing up as an evil thing? I guess not, but at the best, I think you are only choosing to dress up as the lesser-of-two-evils, which is still choosing "evil".
Just stay home, I say, and play games as a family and tell stories (not of the devil or ghosts or witches or goblins though...), and, oh yes, eat all sorts of candy. It doesn't have to be Halloween candy, but is just the anyday candy that you could buy any time of year (regardles of what is on the candy or what it's oftentimes used for--it's just innocent sugar!).
In fact, play How to host a Murder--as you would play "Clue" or chess (you even "kill" knights and rooks in chess, but that's just part of the game). Man, don't go overboard and condemn everything as being evil... Just have fun and enjoy October 31 regardless of the pagan-evil-doings going on around you.
JPS
I am torn between thinking that the holiday is great and despising this time of year as a time when people have a ready-made-excuse to be something they know they're not. Do you really enjoy being something you're not? Do you really want to change and be so different?
I guess on one hand, it could be something very good and be a stepping-stool to a knew life and even a sort of spiritual rebirth of sorts. Then again, I don't think I've ever seen too many "saint" costumes or little Noah or Moseses running around town knocking on doors.
Maybe I've just given myself a great "righteous costume" and make two big styrofoam tablets and run around as a prophet. But even saying that, I wonder if that isn't getting sacreligous bordering on blasphemy... I just don't know how I feel about it.
What I am saying is that: even all those good moms that think they're going to side-step the whole issue of "evil" and have their kids dress-up as mystical or fantastical figures, aren't they indulging in the same exact thing, but kidding themselves into thinking that they're not? I mean, isn't even dressing up as the "best" costume the same as dressing up as an evil thing? I guess not, but at the best, I think you are only choosing to dress up as the lesser-of-two-evils, which is still choosing "evil".
Just stay home, I say, and play games as a family and tell stories (not of the devil or ghosts or witches or goblins though...), and, oh yes, eat all sorts of candy. It doesn't have to be Halloween candy, but is just the anyday candy that you could buy any time of year (regardles of what is on the candy or what it's oftentimes used for--it's just innocent sugar!).
In fact, play How to host a Murder--as you would play "Clue" or chess (you even "kill" knights and rooks in chess, but that's just part of the game). Man, don't go overboard and condemn everything as being evil... Just have fun and enjoy October 31 regardless of the pagan-evil-doings going on around you.
JPS
29.10.07
Whiteshoe Inventionish Column
Lofty and Low Volume XVI: The Programmers Edition
Lofty
1. For loops
2. <STDIN>
3. Command Line
4. Grep
5. Main ()
6. Scalar data
7. Object destruction
8. Class
9. Fork
10. End;
Low
1. Hashes
2. Printf
3. #require
4. Nested data structures
5. Backquotes
6. -x files
7. Globbing
8. Zombie processes
9. Whitespace
10. Out.close();
Volume XVII: The AOL Instant Messenger Abbreviations and Acronyms Edition
Lofty
1. brb
2. btw
3. IMNSHO
4. y
5. np
6. u (frequently used with r)
7. rotflol
8. hehehe
9. ttfn
10. k
Low
1. gtg
2. wtf
3. IMHO
4. n
5. thx
6. r (frequently used with u)
7. rotfl
8. lol
9. wb
10. asl
Volume XXI: The 1980s Innovations Edition
Lofty
1. Jelly shoes
2. Atari 2600
3. Trapper-Keepers
4. Compact discs
5. Transformers
6. The Brat Pack
7. Parachute pants
8. Usenet
9. Mohawks
10. Underoos
Low
1. Friendship bracelets
2. Boy bands
3. Rap
4. Pegged pants
5. Voodoo economics
6. Air Jordans
7. Commodor 64
8. 1-900 #s
9. Individually wrapped cheese slices
10. WWF
Lofty
1. For loops
2. <STDIN>
3. Command Line
4. Grep
5. Main ()
6. Scalar data
7. Object destruction
8. Class
9. Fork
10. End;
Low
1. Hashes
2. Printf
3. #require
4. Nested data structures
5. Backquotes
6. -x files
7. Globbing
8. Zombie processes
9. Whitespace
10. Out.close();
Volume XVII: The AOL Instant Messenger Abbreviations and Acronyms Edition
Lofty
1. brb
2. btw
3. IMNSHO
4. y
5. np
6. u (frequently used with r)
7. rotflol
8. hehehe
9. ttfn
10. k
Low
1. gtg
2. wtf
3. IMHO
4. n
5. thx
6. r (frequently used with u)
7. rotfl
8. lol
9. wb
10. asl
Volume XXI: The 1980s Innovations Edition
Lofty
1. Jelly shoes
2. Atari 2600
3. Trapper-Keepers
4. Compact discs
5. Transformers
6. The Brat Pack
7. Parachute pants
8. Usenet
9. Mohawks
10. Underoos
Low
1. Friendship bracelets
2. Boy bands
3. Rap
4. Pegged pants
5. Voodoo economics
6. Air Jordans
7. Commodor 64
8. 1-900 #s
9. Individually wrapped cheese slices
10. WWF
28.10.07
Musings of Phil, a JAVA Programmer Who Spends Altogether Too Much Time Thinking to Himself in Computer Code
phil = programmerComputer;
phil.begin(thinking);
Coke.pick-up;
Coke.begin(drinking);
phil.swallowCoke;
phil.belch(quietly);
new phil = happy phil
happy phil = not thirsty phil
phil.begin(typing);
if bossLooking
then phil.begin(programming);
or
if bossNotLooking
then phil.begin(gameComputer);
new phil = happier phil
happier phil = gameplaying phil
loop: phil.begin(typing)
phil.begin(thinking);
Coke.pick-up;
Coke.begin(drinking);
phil.swallowCoke;
phil.belch(quietly);
new phil = happy phil
happy phil = not thirsty phil
phil.begin(typing);
if bossLooking
then phil.begin(programming);
or
if bossNotLooking
then phil.begin(gameComputer);
new phil = happier phil
happier phil = gameplaying phil
loop: phil.begin(typing)
26.10.07
Winners of The White Shoe Haiku Contest
The White Shoe Staff
[The White Shoe Haiku Contest ran for several months, with one winner posted every day alongside each new White Shoe piece. For a brief, shining moment, the haiku contest meant everything to us. It was a phenomenal thing. We had joy, we had fun, and despite the fact that this contest occurred during the winter months, it was as if we had seasons in the sun. Important Note: Although this page is archived as it originally appeared, this contest is over. If you still have haiku that you want to submit, we are sorry, but it is too late. Read the haiku to small children. They will give you prizes we cannot.]
· · ·
In addition to posting one new haiku alongside each White Shoe piece, we began and ended this contest by featuring a few haiku about haiku. Meta-haiku, if you will. Our postmodernity baffles even us. Enjoy the counterintuitive reverse-chronological-order goodness that follows.
· · ·
Enough is enough.
Haiku contest with your terse
terminology.
[Samuel Adair | 3.6.01]
- - -
A first line of five
Then onto one of seven
Five on the last line
[Josh Stott | 3.6.01]
- - -
Five, seven, and five
are seventeen syllables:
a perfect haiku
[Bake Neko | 3.6.01]
- - -
If I write real fast,
there won't be time for my brain
to play editor.
[Susan Taplinger | 3.6.01]
- - -
The first line has five.
The second line has seven.
Then end with five more.
[Lincoln Bahr | 3.6.01]
- - -
My fingers are tired.
All this counting confuses.
Seven more than five?
[Rez | 3.6.01]
- - -
some haiku express
depth of insight and beauty
but this one does not
[Rez | 2.12.01]
- - -
Seasonal Haiku
Spring, summer, and fall
(sometimes also called autumn).
Last of all, winter.
[Lincoln Bahr | 2.8.01]
- - -
When I have dry mouth
I like to get a cool drink
Man that tastes real nice
[Josh Stott | 1.17.01]
- - -
For those who ask me
How do I write my haiku —
I use my fingers.
[Bake Neko | 1.3.01]
- - -
Why am I angry?
Sell my soul for tuition —
unprepared teachers.
[Matt Graham | 12.11.00]
- - -
Heavy Metal Haiku
duh duh duh duh duh
duh duh duh duh duh duh duh
Smoke on the water
[Richard Guest | 12.7.00]
- - -
A tedious date
He kept on about his work
She admired her nails
[Mary Flodden | 12.6.00]
- - -
If a tree falls on
someone you hate, do you still
need to hide the ax?
[Megan Schoonover | 12.4.00]
- - -
The first line is too…
short — Now I count on my fin-
gers, and now it's done
[Susan Taplinger | 11.27.00]
- - -
Writing bad haiku
Is like eating chocolate chips
Under the blankets
[Susanna Lee | 11.27.00]
- - -
See the thought, pushing
against the seventeen bars
of its prison cell.
[Mark Orin Berrett | 11.27.00]
- - -
Surely I am not
The first one to find humor
In changing haiku's length
[Eric D. Snider | 11.27.00]
- - -
You pretty much can't
Use anapestic hepta-
Meter in haiku
[Reid Gray | 11.27.00]
- - -
One two three four five
One two three four five six sev…
One two three four five
[Josh Stott | 11.27.00]
- - -
A bird calls, doves coo
This day I think I will rue
I'm writing haiku
[Angela Zimmerman | 11.27.00]
- - -
A poet I'm not,
though my third line does contain
"a seasonal word."
[Andrew Thomas | 11.27.00]
[The White Shoe Haiku Contest ran for several months, with one winner posted every day alongside each new White Shoe piece. For a brief, shining moment, the haiku contest meant everything to us. It was a phenomenal thing. We had joy, we had fun, and despite the fact that this contest occurred during the winter months, it was as if we had seasons in the sun. Important Note: Although this page is archived as it originally appeared, this contest is over. If you still have haiku that you want to submit, we are sorry, but it is too late. Read the haiku to small children. They will give you prizes we cannot.]
· · ·
In addition to posting one new haiku alongside each White Shoe piece, we began and ended this contest by featuring a few haiku about haiku. Meta-haiku, if you will. Our postmodernity baffles even us. Enjoy the counterintuitive reverse-chronological-order goodness that follows.
· · ·
Enough is enough.
Haiku contest with your terse
terminology.
[Samuel Adair | 3.6.01]
- - -
A first line of five
Then onto one of seven
Five on the last line
[Josh Stott | 3.6.01]
- - -
Five, seven, and five
are seventeen syllables:
a perfect haiku
[Bake Neko | 3.6.01]
- - -
If I write real fast,
there won't be time for my brain
to play editor.
[Susan Taplinger | 3.6.01]
- - -
The first line has five.
The second line has seven.
Then end with five more.
[Lincoln Bahr | 3.6.01]
- - -
My fingers are tired.
All this counting confuses.
Seven more than five?
[Rez | 3.6.01]
- - -
some haiku express
depth of insight and beauty
but this one does not
[Rez | 2.12.01]
- - -
Seasonal Haiku
Spring, summer, and fall
(sometimes also called autumn).
Last of all, winter.
[Lincoln Bahr | 2.8.01]
- - -
When I have dry mouth
I like to get a cool drink
Man that tastes real nice
[Josh Stott | 1.17.01]
- - -
For those who ask me
How do I write my haiku —
I use my fingers.
[Bake Neko | 1.3.01]
- - -
Why am I angry?
Sell my soul for tuition —
unprepared teachers.
[Matt Graham | 12.11.00]
- - -
Heavy Metal Haiku
duh duh duh duh duh
duh duh duh duh duh duh duh
Smoke on the water
[Richard Guest | 12.7.00]
- - -
A tedious date
He kept on about his work
She admired her nails
[Mary Flodden | 12.6.00]
- - -
If a tree falls on
someone you hate, do you still
need to hide the ax?
[Megan Schoonover | 12.4.00]
- - -
The first line is too…
short — Now I count on my fin-
gers, and now it's done
[Susan Taplinger | 11.27.00]
- - -
Writing bad haiku
Is like eating chocolate chips
Under the blankets
[Susanna Lee | 11.27.00]
- - -
See the thought, pushing
against the seventeen bars
of its prison cell.
[Mark Orin Berrett | 11.27.00]
- - -
Surely I am not
The first one to find humor
In changing haiku's length
[Eric D. Snider | 11.27.00]
- - -
You pretty much can't
Use anapestic hepta-
Meter in haiku
[Reid Gray | 11.27.00]
- - -
One two three four five
One two three four five six sev…
One two three four five
[Josh Stott | 11.27.00]
- - -
A bird calls, doves coo
This day I think I will rue
I'm writing haiku
[Angela Zimmerman | 11.27.00]
- - -
A poet I'm not,
though my third line does contain
"a seasonal word."
[Andrew Thomas | 11.27.00]
25.10.07
Absolutely Real Items Overheard Online, Grammar and Spelling Uncorrected
1. AOL N'Sync Chatroom, 6-19-00
Chatroomgirl: Yeah im tryin to git sex off the computr witch is discusting
2. Dee Jay Zone UK
(located at http://www.expage.com/page/deejayzoneuk)
TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO GRAFFITI MY GUEST BOOK WITH FAKE NAMES OR BAD COMMENTS "YOU ARE SAD AND WASTING YOURE TIME APART FROM MALCOLM WHO HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO EXCEPT PLAYING ARMIES WITH THE LIBRARY POSSY"
3. AOL Britney Spears Chatroom, 7-26-00
I think Melissa is evil. She likes to pose nude for magazines like playboy, penthouse and readers digest. Readers digest said to stop sending nude pictures. she doesnt listen.
4. Mahir's Untitled Page
(located at http://www.geocities.com/mahir_girlfriend/)
If you come here it must because I been many countries — I go still. I just lost girlfriend. If you want to be girlfriend please E-mail me mahir_girlfriend@yahoo.com. I invitate she everytime my home, she can stay my home everytime. If you to be my girlfriend if she want I'm ready please don't dump me after I like you.
5. Smokey Goes to the Park
(located at http://psykho.com/smokey/park.html)
Smokey (a dog) always does his bussiness on top of rocks, logs and stumps where everybody can see. He really goes out of his way and puts a lot of effort into doing this. We are not sure why he does this. Our only guess is he just wants the whole world to see his crap.
6. StraitPimpen
(located at http://www.straitpimpen.com/)
StraitPimpen always loves to here stories about your pimp way as well as any comments with ideas to increase the pimpness of our web site. If we like what you sent, you will be entered in the contest to win to be the pimp of the month on StraitPimpen.com.
7. AOL X-Files Chatroom, 7-27-00
HumnGrbl: i hate my life
SaRaH: i hate my life more then u hate u'rs gerbil
HumnGrbl: no u dont
SaRaH: hell yes i do
HumnGrbl: u dont have a b/f u havent seen in 6th months
SaRaH: i threaton to kill myself yesterday
HumnGrbl: i tryed 2 3 times in the last month
QCstuff: u have a wierd name human gerbil
HumnGrbl: i am weird and depressed
8. eGroups ListServ
Kenn: I have a heart like the sea. It's true.
Jeff: Salty?
Chatroomgirl: Yeah im tryin to git sex off the computr witch is discusting
2. Dee Jay Zone UK
(located at http://www.expage.com/page/deejayzoneuk)
TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO GRAFFITI MY GUEST BOOK WITH FAKE NAMES OR BAD COMMENTS "YOU ARE SAD AND WASTING YOURE TIME APART FROM MALCOLM WHO HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO EXCEPT PLAYING ARMIES WITH THE LIBRARY POSSY"
3. AOL Britney Spears Chatroom, 7-26-00
I think Melissa is evil. She likes to pose nude for magazines like playboy, penthouse and readers digest. Readers digest said to stop sending nude pictures. she doesnt listen.
4. Mahir's Untitled Page
(located at http://www.geocities.com/mahir_girlfriend/)
If you come here it must because I been many countries — I go still. I just lost girlfriend. If you want to be girlfriend please E-mail me mahir_girlfriend@yahoo.com. I invitate she everytime my home, she can stay my home everytime. If you to be my girlfriend if she want I'm ready please don't dump me after I like you.
5. Smokey Goes to the Park
(located at http://psykho.com/smokey/park.html)
Smokey (a dog) always does his bussiness on top of rocks, logs and stumps where everybody can see. He really goes out of his way and puts a lot of effort into doing this. We are not sure why he does this. Our only guess is he just wants the whole world to see his crap.
6. StraitPimpen
(located at http://www.straitpimpen.com/)
StraitPimpen always loves to here stories about your pimp way as well as any comments with ideas to increase the pimpness of our web site. If we like what you sent, you will be entered in the contest to win to be the pimp of the month on StraitPimpen.com.
7. AOL X-Files Chatroom, 7-27-00
HumnGrbl: i hate my life
SaRaH: i hate my life more then u hate u'rs gerbil
HumnGrbl: no u dont
SaRaH: hell yes i do
HumnGrbl: u dont have a b/f u havent seen in 6th months
SaRaH: i threaton to kill myself yesterday
HumnGrbl: i tryed 2 3 times in the last month
QCstuff: u have a wierd name human gerbil
HumnGrbl: i am weird and depressed
8. eGroups ListServ
Kenn: I have a heart like the sea. It's true.
Jeff: Salty?
24.10.07
Inspirational Quotes by Members of "Team Elite," Whose Native Language May or May Not Be English, Found on a Display Near the Entry of My Workplace
"Power!"
"Sincerity!"
"Growing together."
"Get your eternal luck."
"Challenging spirit makes a big deal."
"Dreams come true! Let's challenge!!"
"Change your life with your (own) mind."
"Live your dreams, don't regret your life."
"Human Emotion — the most important thing."
"A man who wants to be successful has no right to be pessimistic."
"Every adversity carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit."
"Remember the thoughtfulness of his/her view, and let's keep going together."
"There are unlimited possibilities and chances, but only a few will catch it in their hands."
"You can achieve anything in life that you want if you help others achieve what they want."
"If you die without achieving your goal, be sure to return as a ghost to accomplish your dream."
"To change one's life, start immediately. There is nothing we can't do, except that for some it takes a bit longer."
"Who have ever known somebody's sorrow, only the person could be tender and excellent. Feel happy at any time!"
"With help from others, I now have unforgettable kindness, tenderness and gratitude to everyone who helped make my own dream of having a fabulous life come true."
"Success is the most preferable terminology for everyone that guarantees to gain happiness. At the same time, success is not the static status of being something but the continual process of aiming at the higher."
"Sincerity!"
"Growing together."
"Get your eternal luck."
"Challenging spirit makes a big deal."
"Dreams come true! Let's challenge!!"
"Change your life with your (own) mind."
"Live your dreams, don't regret your life."
"Human Emotion — the most important thing."
"A man who wants to be successful has no right to be pessimistic."
"Every adversity carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit."
"Remember the thoughtfulness of his/her view, and let's keep going together."
"There are unlimited possibilities and chances, but only a few will catch it in their hands."
"You can achieve anything in life that you want if you help others achieve what they want."
"If you die without achieving your goal, be sure to return as a ghost to accomplish your dream."
"To change one's life, start immediately. There is nothing we can't do, except that for some it takes a bit longer."
"Who have ever known somebody's sorrow, only the person could be tender and excellent. Feel happy at any time!"
"With help from others, I now have unforgettable kindness, tenderness and gratitude to everyone who helped make my own dream of having a fabulous life come true."
"Success is the most preferable terminology for everyone that guarantees to gain happiness. At the same time, success is not the static status of being something but the continual process of aiming at the higher."
22.10.07
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21.10.07
Angry Letter to Editor (from Whiteshoe.org)
To Whom It May Concern (you know who you are):
I was at Gandolfo's, the local deli, during my lunch break, as I am almost every day, buying my favorite sandwich. That is, buying my sandwich. I get the same thing every day: roast beef and turkey on sourdough with mayo, hot mustard, salt, pepper, olive oil — and here's the best part — balsamic vinegar. It's not really on their menu, but they know me, so when I ask for my regular, they know what I mean. It's taken me a long time to come up with the perfect sandwich, and I relish in it, like I said, almost every single day.
Well, the other day — this day I'm talking about, when I'm at the deli — I order my regular, and the guy there knows me (I hate when there's a new guy. I practically feel like asking for someone else to talk to, but I usually just train him, because maybe he'll be there the next day, you know how it is), so he says it'll be two minutes, like usual. So I'm walking to the register to pay for my lunch and wait for my sandwich, and this other guy comes in to get his lunch. I'm thinking, "This guy wishes his lunch is going to be as good as mine," because my sandwich isn't on the menu. Only this guy, he asks all cute-like, "Do you mind if I just make my own sandwich rather than order one on the menu?" So maybe he's smarter than I think, because usually these delis have their menus all made up for just the average schmo who doesn't know what a good sandwich is.
I'm sure you've guessed what's going to happen (and I'll address you in the second person personal now, if you don't mind), you order my sandwich. You didn't add one thing extra and you didn't leave anything out. So the Gandolfo's guy writes it all down and walks over to the register, and I motion to him like, "Hey, what's the deal with that guy?" You know, squinting my eyes a little, raising the corner of my mouth, and I nod in your direction. He comes over to me all, "Do you have a question?" like he doesn't know what's going on.
"You're not actually going to make that for that guy are you?"
"Uh, yeah…"
"But that's my sandwich. Why don't you just add a little something extra. Or maybe leave out the hot mustard."
"Sorry, sir, I'm not sure what you mean, but I'm going to get him what he ordered."
Now, this guy isn't exactly new. I mean, I've seen him around for a while; he's not new. But I sure haven't seen you in here before, and I sure haven't heard of anyone ordering my sandwich. Now, if they were to put up my sandwich on the menu and name it after me and put my picture next to the description, then maybe that'd be different. But this I won't stand for.
"No, you're not going to get him exactly what he ordered, because what he ordered is mine. You can't give him my sandwich."
"Oh, of course not sir. Don't worry, you'll each get your own sandwich," he says to me, kind of raising his eyebrows and talking in a higher octave than usual. Like he's talking to a wacko or his kid or something.
"No, you don't get it," I tell him, "that's my sandwich, so you either tell him you're not making it for him or you add something or leave something out, you got that?"
So this guy just taps the counter with his hand a couple times and walks into the back. Out comes Craig. I guess he's the owner or something, and he asks me what's going on. I try to explain it to him, but he doesn't get it either, so of course I punch him in the face and he grabs me from over the counter (I'd say he's a good foot taller than I am) and rams my head into the register. I'm sure you remember this part of that day, as you were standing right there watching. So I leave, without my sandwich, and with you, I'm sure, getting my sandwich instead.
Here's the deal. I'm leaving this letter for you outside the deli so that you know what's going on and so you'll stop ordering my sandwich. Or maybe we can work out a deal where you can go in and get us both one, since it's practically all your fault that they won't let me in there anymore. I think that's only fair, and I'm sure you can see what kind of predicament you've put me in. So call me at (212) 555-2209, or I can wait outside here every day until I see you coming out of the deli, and then I make sure you never eat another of my sandwiches again, if you catch my drift.
Thanks for your cooperation,
Dennis Horn
I was at Gandolfo's, the local deli, during my lunch break, as I am almost every day, buying my favorite sandwich. That is, buying my sandwich. I get the same thing every day: roast beef and turkey on sourdough with mayo, hot mustard, salt, pepper, olive oil — and here's the best part — balsamic vinegar. It's not really on their menu, but they know me, so when I ask for my regular, they know what I mean. It's taken me a long time to come up with the perfect sandwich, and I relish in it, like I said, almost every single day.
Well, the other day — this day I'm talking about, when I'm at the deli — I order my regular, and the guy there knows me (I hate when there's a new guy. I practically feel like asking for someone else to talk to, but I usually just train him, because maybe he'll be there the next day, you know how it is), so he says it'll be two minutes, like usual. So I'm walking to the register to pay for my lunch and wait for my sandwich, and this other guy comes in to get his lunch. I'm thinking, "This guy wishes his lunch is going to be as good as mine," because my sandwich isn't on the menu. Only this guy, he asks all cute-like, "Do you mind if I just make my own sandwich rather than order one on the menu?" So maybe he's smarter than I think, because usually these delis have their menus all made up for just the average schmo who doesn't know what a good sandwich is.
I'm sure you've guessed what's going to happen (and I'll address you in the second person personal now, if you don't mind), you order my sandwich. You didn't add one thing extra and you didn't leave anything out. So the Gandolfo's guy writes it all down and walks over to the register, and I motion to him like, "Hey, what's the deal with that guy?" You know, squinting my eyes a little, raising the corner of my mouth, and I nod in your direction. He comes over to me all, "Do you have a question?" like he doesn't know what's going on.
"You're not actually going to make that for that guy are you?"
"Uh, yeah…"
"But that's my sandwich. Why don't you just add a little something extra. Or maybe leave out the hot mustard."
"Sorry, sir, I'm not sure what you mean, but I'm going to get him what he ordered."
Now, this guy isn't exactly new. I mean, I've seen him around for a while; he's not new. But I sure haven't seen you in here before, and I sure haven't heard of anyone ordering my sandwich. Now, if they were to put up my sandwich on the menu and name it after me and put my picture next to the description, then maybe that'd be different. But this I won't stand for.
"No, you're not going to get him exactly what he ordered, because what he ordered is mine. You can't give him my sandwich."
"Oh, of course not sir. Don't worry, you'll each get your own sandwich," he says to me, kind of raising his eyebrows and talking in a higher octave than usual. Like he's talking to a wacko or his kid or something.
"No, you don't get it," I tell him, "that's my sandwich, so you either tell him you're not making it for him or you add something or leave something out, you got that?"
So this guy just taps the counter with his hand a couple times and walks into the back. Out comes Craig. I guess he's the owner or something, and he asks me what's going on. I try to explain it to him, but he doesn't get it either, so of course I punch him in the face and he grabs me from over the counter (I'd say he's a good foot taller than I am) and rams my head into the register. I'm sure you remember this part of that day, as you were standing right there watching. So I leave, without my sandwich, and with you, I'm sure, getting my sandwich instead.
Here's the deal. I'm leaving this letter for you outside the deli so that you know what's going on and so you'll stop ordering my sandwich. Or maybe we can work out a deal where you can go in and get us both one, since it's practically all your fault that they won't let me in there anymore. I think that's only fair, and I'm sure you can see what kind of predicament you've put me in. So call me at (212) 555-2209, or I can wait outside here every day until I see you coming out of the deli, and then I make sure you never eat another of my sandwiches again, if you catch my drift.
Thanks for your cooperation,
Dennis Horn
20.10.07
WhiteShoe revisited
I am going to "re-publish" my Whiteshoe Irregular pieces http://www.whiteshoe.org.
Go to the above site to see the website...
JPS
Go to the above site to see the website...
JPS
An Online Conversation with Lita about Her Perceived Level of Safety at School
[Redactor's Note: Lita Nguyen (not her real last name) attends sixth grade in Fremont, California. She is often online, chatting with friends and family. This interview was conducted in September by White Shoe Correspondent Josh Stott, via AOL Instant Messenger. With minor exceptions, Lita's original spelling and capitalization have been retained.]
LITA: Today at lunch there was dis group hanging out near dis window.
(Pause)
JOSH: Is that the whole story?
LITA: Somebody pushed dis grl name lisa to dis guy name milton than milton pushed dis guy name roman to da window, and da window broke, and roman got lil pieces of glass in his head. Dass wat i heard
JOSH: Ouch.
LITA: My friends and i were in da corner.
JOSH: Did Roman have to get stiches?
LITA: i dunno. We didn't know wat happened cuz we came when we hear da crash.
JOSH: Are there a lot of fights at your school?
LITA: There was a fight like a couple of days ago.
JOSH: Usually boys? Or sometimes girls, too?
LITA: This dude shot Tony in da foot with a bb gun, and Tony pulled a knife on him.
JOSH: Is this the Tony that you like?
LITA: Yea. Da dude wit da gun got expelled.
JOSH: Why was Tony carrying a knife?
LITA: i dunno
JOSH: And why didn't he get expelled, too?
LITA: i think he got away wit it
JOSH: I don't know about this liking guys who carry knives, Lita…
LITA: Well, as long as he dunt pull it out on me
JOSH: Do a lot of boys carry them?
LITA: My friend, sarah, who's in his 4, 5, and 6 period class say dat he acts hella mean in class, but he's hellllllla nice in science or whenever i see him. i dunno.
JOSH: I wonder, though, how nice he is, if he's pulling knives on people.
LITA: He didn't use da knife though. He juss took it out and tucked it back in. But dat was a rumor. i heard it from dis dude who sits next to me in wrld hist.
JOSH: You never know...
[full transcript of interview on www.whiteshoe.org.
LITA: Today at lunch there was dis group hanging out near dis window.
(Pause)
JOSH: Is that the whole story?
LITA: Somebody pushed dis grl name lisa to dis guy name milton than milton pushed dis guy name roman to da window, and da window broke, and roman got lil pieces of glass in his head. Dass wat i heard
JOSH: Ouch.
LITA: My friends and i were in da corner.
JOSH: Did Roman have to get stiches?
LITA: i dunno. We didn't know wat happened cuz we came when we hear da crash.
JOSH: Are there a lot of fights at your school?
LITA: There was a fight like a couple of days ago.
JOSH: Usually boys? Or sometimes girls, too?
LITA: This dude shot Tony in da foot with a bb gun, and Tony pulled a knife on him.
JOSH: Is this the Tony that you like?
LITA: Yea. Da dude wit da gun got expelled.
JOSH: Why was Tony carrying a knife?
LITA: i dunno
JOSH: And why didn't he get expelled, too?
LITA: i think he got away wit it
JOSH: I don't know about this liking guys who carry knives, Lita…
LITA: Well, as long as he dunt pull it out on me
JOSH: Do a lot of boys carry them?
LITA: My friend, sarah, who's in his 4, 5, and 6 period class say dat he acts hella mean in class, but he's hellllllla nice in science or whenever i see him. i dunno.
JOSH: I wonder, though, how nice he is, if he's pulling knives on people.
LITA: He didn't use da knife though. He juss took it out and tucked it back in. But dat was a rumor. i heard it from dis dude who sits next to me in wrld hist.
JOSH: You never know...
[full transcript of interview on www.whiteshoe.org.
19.10.07
A Conversation that Inspired this Piece but Never Actually Took Place (at least not involving me or anyone I've ever known...)
I still can't quite tell what he's getting at, let alone who he is exactly.
"Now who are you again?" I ask, hoping to finally get a straight answer.
"Look, all I'm sayin' is that you should use me, I mean, use my stories. I'm funny," he responds for the fourth time.
I still wasn't sure this wasn't a prank call from a friend, but I didn't recognize the voice and the accent didn't sound phony.
"Okay, okay," I say. "Hold up for just a minute, sir. I have no idea who you are. Let's start there, can we, with who you are?"
"My wife reads you all the time, I mean, she reads your stories. She won't put 'em down, she's laughing and all and she won't tell me what's so funny. I mean, I never read 'em or anything, but she seems to think there's somethin' funny about 'em. So I think to myself…" he says, dodging my question again, and I wonder if he's intentionally avoiding identifying himself.
"Listen," I interrupt, "I don't know who you are or who your wife is, and I'm going to hang up if you speak one more sentence without telling me who you are."
"Uh, all right. Now hold on. Now just hold on. This is Jim, my wife is Carol, and she reads your stories," he says. "She won't put 'em down, and I never read 'em, but everyone's always tellin' me that I'm a funny guy, right? So, I get the idea that you could maybe talk to me while's I'm bein' funny and all, and you could maybe write about it?"
"I see…" I'm still wondering if this is a joke. "You want me to write about you?"
"Nah, nah. Not about me, just maybe put some of my stories in, you know, I mean, my wife don't think it's such a hot idea, she don't think I'm that funny, always rollin' her eyes like so, but she don't know I'm callin' you about this."
I decide this isn't a joke, and my curiosity piques. "I see…" I get in two words while he takes a breath, and when he speaks again, he uses a hushed voice, possibly to avoid detection by his wife.
"See, everyone's always sayin' that I'm such a funny guy. I mean, people's always sayin' that, since I was practically a kid and all, and I'm just saying…"
"That you want me to write your stories," I interrupt again.
"Exactly!" He's now forgotten his hushed voice, and I move the earpiece slightly away from my ear.
"Well, uh, Jim was it? I'm sorry, but that's not really how it works. You see…"
"But," now it's his turn to interrupt, "all's I'm askin' is that you talk to me for a while, see if I got any funny stuff you'd wanna use in your stories, I mean, I'm sure that you know how it is when you just get that inspiration and you just let 'em have it and all, and they're laughin' and holdin' their sides and all and tellin' ya what a funny guy you are, right?"
"Well…"
"You're funny and all, at least my wife's always readin' your stories and laughin' her damn head off, I tell ya, and coincidentally she's in the next room and she don't want me 'bothering you' she says."
"That is a coincidence," I say, and suddenly I'm chuckling, imagining the stories Jim would have to offer. My focus snaps back in midsentence.
"…got that in common, we're both funny guys."
"Sir, I'm not sure you…" I try to explain.
"So listen," he says, "why don't you just talk to me and see if I got anything good for your stories, I mean, like I said, I haven't read 'em, and I don't write too good, but I'm funny as hell, I mean, I'm funny as hell, if you'll just listen…"
"Jim?" I say, trying to get his attention. "Jim?"
"Yeah?"
"Jim, you've convinced me. I'm going to use you in a story."
"You mean it? So, you want me to come on over to the house or we could meet…"
"No, Jim, no. I actually have all I need from this conversation. Tell Carol hello for me, will you?"
"Now who are you again?" I ask, hoping to finally get a straight answer.
"Look, all I'm sayin' is that you should use me, I mean, use my stories. I'm funny," he responds for the fourth time.
I still wasn't sure this wasn't a prank call from a friend, but I didn't recognize the voice and the accent didn't sound phony.
"Okay, okay," I say. "Hold up for just a minute, sir. I have no idea who you are. Let's start there, can we, with who you are?"
"My wife reads you all the time, I mean, she reads your stories. She won't put 'em down, she's laughing and all and she won't tell me what's so funny. I mean, I never read 'em or anything, but she seems to think there's somethin' funny about 'em. So I think to myself…" he says, dodging my question again, and I wonder if he's intentionally avoiding identifying himself.
"Listen," I interrupt, "I don't know who you are or who your wife is, and I'm going to hang up if you speak one more sentence without telling me who you are."
"Uh, all right. Now hold on. Now just hold on. This is Jim, my wife is Carol, and she reads your stories," he says. "She won't put 'em down, and I never read 'em, but everyone's always tellin' me that I'm a funny guy, right? So, I get the idea that you could maybe talk to me while's I'm bein' funny and all, and you could maybe write about it?"
"I see…" I'm still wondering if this is a joke. "You want me to write about you?"
"Nah, nah. Not about me, just maybe put some of my stories in, you know, I mean, my wife don't think it's such a hot idea, she don't think I'm that funny, always rollin' her eyes like so, but she don't know I'm callin' you about this."
I decide this isn't a joke, and my curiosity piques. "I see…" I get in two words while he takes a breath, and when he speaks again, he uses a hushed voice, possibly to avoid detection by his wife.
"See, everyone's always sayin' that I'm such a funny guy. I mean, people's always sayin' that, since I was practically a kid and all, and I'm just saying…"
"That you want me to write your stories," I interrupt again.
"Exactly!" He's now forgotten his hushed voice, and I move the earpiece slightly away from my ear.
"Well, uh, Jim was it? I'm sorry, but that's not really how it works. You see…"
"But," now it's his turn to interrupt, "all's I'm askin' is that you talk to me for a while, see if I got any funny stuff you'd wanna use in your stories, I mean, I'm sure that you know how it is when you just get that inspiration and you just let 'em have it and all, and they're laughin' and holdin' their sides and all and tellin' ya what a funny guy you are, right?"
"Well…"
"You're funny and all, at least my wife's always readin' your stories and laughin' her damn head off, I tell ya, and coincidentally she's in the next room and she don't want me 'bothering you' she says."
"That is a coincidence," I say, and suddenly I'm chuckling, imagining the stories Jim would have to offer. My focus snaps back in midsentence.
"…got that in common, we're both funny guys."
"Sir, I'm not sure you…" I try to explain.
"So listen," he says, "why don't you just talk to me and see if I got anything good for your stories, I mean, like I said, I haven't read 'em, and I don't write too good, but I'm funny as hell, I mean, I'm funny as hell, if you'll just listen…"
"Jim?" I say, trying to get his attention. "Jim?"
"Yeah?"
"Jim, you've convinced me. I'm going to use you in a story."
"You mean it? So, you want me to come on over to the house or we could meet…"
"No, Jim, no. I actually have all I need from this conversation. Tell Carol hello for me, will you?"
18.10.07
Dissapointed
His left hand reached into his pocket purely out of habit, and his fingers searched in vain for the change that was not there. Consciously pulling the hand back out, unfettered by a watch or rings and still clutching the nonexistent coins, he extended his hand over the small, empty, ceramic bowl on his dresser and spread his fingers.
"Cha-ching!"
He smiled to himself at his joke, almost chuckled. "There really were no coins falling from my hand into the bowl, yet I made the noise as if they had fallen into it with a clank nonetheless," he mused to himself. "That really was a funny joke; I should write that down…"
Dropping his jacket onto the bare mattress in the corner of the room, he violently removed his tie and rubbed his sore neck as he walked to the refrigerator in the far corner of the room. Opening the door, he drew out the carton of milk, took a long swig, and was replacing the carton on the empty shelf when his phone rang. Startled, he turned toward the short table next to the sink where the phone sat.
"Who is it?" he called out to the phone. "What do you want?" Boy, was he on one tonight or what? "I should get paid for this stuff," he mumbled.
His questions were answered, which surprised him. The voice didn't come from the phone, though, but from the door.
"It's the police. Open the door now, sir, or we'll be forced to break it down. We have a warrant."
He walked quietly to the still-ringing phone, picked it up, and before he could even say a word, he heard a familiar voice calling to him. "Get out of there! Get out, they know about it all. They know where you are!"
Hanging up the phone without speaking, he walked back to the refrigerator and opened the door.
The voices from the hallway resumed. "We know you're in there. The building is surrounded. Now open the door. "
The milk carton was slippery in his hand from the condensation. He shut the fridge, turned around, and sat down with his back to the cool metal door. He closed his eyes and took another long swig from the carton, this time spitting it all over his pants as he broke into full-blown laughter thinking about the jokes he'd made. But the laugher quickly stopped and his smile disappeared when he remembered how disappointed he had felt when he first walked into the room that night. Disappointed with the egg-salad sandwich he had eaten for lunch.
17.10.07
A Sting Concert Travelogue: The Englishman Who Came to a Concert and Left a Strip Club
[Redactor's Note [from http://www.whiteshoe.org]: This is a truthful account of an event that took place on 26 July 2000. Everything you are about to read actually happened. Facts can be verified with the author's wife.]
6:30 P.M.
My wife, my sister, and I leave home to pick up a friend on our way to the Sting concert.
6:40 P.M.
Return home to pick up forgotten tickets (my fault).
7:00 P.M.
Arrive at friend's house, who lives near venue and will give us directions to the concert.
7:30 P.M.
Unintentionally arrive at airport due to friend telling story about the wedding she attended the night before and hence forgetting to say, "turn left" six blocks earlier. At the venue (where we are not) the concert is beginning. k.d. lang (who insists on not capitalizing her name) is opening for Sting. My wife is excited to see her.
7:45 P.M.
Finally get back on freeway and mindlessly follow crowd of cars we can only assume are also going the concert.
7:47 P.M.
Before finding a parking space, drop off my sister who will pee in the car if she does not get to a bathroom immediately. Also drop off my wife, who wants to catch as much of k.d. lang's show as possible. An interesting phenomenon has taken place: My wife's desire to see k.d. lang as well as her anger toward me for missing that turn have both increased in direct proportion to how late we are for the concert. I mention this phenomenon to my wife and regret it for the rest of the night.
8:00 P.M.
My sister's friend (who deserves a name at this point in the story — it is Kristen) and I wait in line to get into the concert. Once inside, Kristen immediately gets in another line, this one for the women's bathroom. I briefly wonder why the men's bathroom never has a line. At this point, I am unaware that I am about to enter a pornographic show. k.d. lang (who is still not capitalizing her name) finishes, my wife having heard a little less than two full songs. She informs me that she will now conscientiously not enjoy the rest of the concert.
Intermission
I see a friend who has seats near ours, and he warns me of "the dancing girls." He also complains to me about "Siren Man" seated next to him who screams not like, and I quote, "WOOOOOO," but like a police siren: "WoooooooooOOOOOOooooooooo." Friend's allusion to "Police" siren does not fall on deaf ears.
Sting Comes on Stage
I crawl like a dog across the seats on my row (everyone is standing). I am still unaware that I am entering what could be legally classified as a strip club. I stand in a pool of beer and who knows what else. It is, I believe, eating through the soles of my shoes.
First Song
I become painfully aware of "the dancing girls," who occupy the two seats in front of me. Neither is older than 12 — okay, 15 maybe, but at oldest, 16, and that's it, no older — and both are dressed in what they would probably call "hippie" attire. They dance to songs that were written before they were born. I notice that they know the words to "Every Breath You Take" and the chorus of "Roxanne." Stay tuned: their part in the night's drama is not over.
Second Song
Sting comes over to crowd (I am in the third row) on our side of the stage and a lunatic man hands him what appears to be a half-empty bottle of shampoo with a yellow sticky-note attached to it. The man is immediately beaten by yellow-jacketed security guards, and he cowers back into his seat.
Third Song
A sixty-year-old woman, sitting directly behind the now-beaten lunatic just mentioned, decides that the stage is a coat rack, walks up and sets down her purse and other various belongings on the corner of the stage. She also is immediately accosted by security. In less than two songs, the same woman will pull off her bra and throw it to no one in particular on the stage — just glad to have the bra off, I surmise.
Fourth Song
We are now all wading through a pool of beer and, very possibly, the vomit of a drunken man. A non-drunken man, who, I am assured by my law-school friend standing next to me, is a court bailiff, agrees to buy beer for the dancing girls, but is quickly talked out of it by his wife. He brings them a Coke and a Dr. Pepper.
Maybe Sixth or Seventh Song
Sting shakes his tantric hips at the crowd for the thirtieth time, and raises his outstretched arm — palm up, fingers extended — which the crowd interprets as the cue to go hysterical. My wife screams in my ear as Sting begins to play one of her favorite songs. I am now completely deaf in my right ear, but remain unaware that a porno show is about to begin. In retrospect, I should have guessed it when the bra came off of the sixty-year-old woman.
About Halfway through Concert
Sting curiously picks up the bottle of shampoo, looks at it in wonder, and sets it on top of one of the speakers. Kristen suggests the sticky note on the shampoo is possibly a "message on a bottle." Kristen's allusion does not fall on deaf ears (except my right ear). Sadly, the purpose of the bottle and the attached note is never discovered.
Nearing the Final Songs of the Concert
The adult entertainment begins as the old woman, now braless and dancing on the front row, hikes up her skirt for Dominic Miller, Sting's guitarist. My wife claims that the woman is completely without undergarments, but for my sanity's sake and to prevent permanent emotional scarring, I will forever refuse to believe her. Near this time, the taller and more fully clothed dancing girl, not so much dancing as she is bouncing, makes an unfortunate bounce and ricochets off the chair in front of her and then the one behind her before falling into the now bubbling pool of beer on the floor. She will sit out most of the rest of the concert. We are not displeased. The shorter and less fully clothed girl, however, takes the site of the old woman's bare flesh as her cue to show everyone her chest, which she will do approximately five more times before the night is over.
The First Encore
Sting and the rest of the band run off the stage and then almost immediately back on. It is already clear that they plan to do two encore sets. As is always the case these days, the encore is not a reward for an enthusiastic crowd, but merely a warning that the show is about to end.
The Second Encore
Sting again returns to our side of the stage, only this time he is met by a pair of immature, fifteen-year-old breasts. Fortunately, during these flashings, the girl is directly in front of me and I can only see her getting ready to flash, her hands holding onto the bottom of her midriff blouse, and then the face of the flashee. Sting's expression is one of utter surprise, followed by a look that a disappointed father would give his fifteen-year-old daughter upon discovering her disgraceful behavior. I actually feel sorry for Sting — he has daughters about the age of this girl and I'm sure he hopes they aren't stripping in front of large crowds. At that moment, Sting ceases to be a rock star and turns into an aging father. I recover from this feeling only as he begins to play "Message in a Bottle" by himself on stage (possibly inspired by the shampoo bottle — we'll never know).
Last Song
Sting plays "Fragile" and my sister's life is complete. We leave for home — scarred and saddened.
6:30 P.M.
My wife, my sister, and I leave home to pick up a friend on our way to the Sting concert.
6:40 P.M.
Return home to pick up forgotten tickets (my fault).
7:00 P.M.
Arrive at friend's house, who lives near venue and will give us directions to the concert.
7:30 P.M.
Unintentionally arrive at airport due to friend telling story about the wedding she attended the night before and hence forgetting to say, "turn left" six blocks earlier. At the venue (where we are not) the concert is beginning. k.d. lang (who insists on not capitalizing her name) is opening for Sting. My wife is excited to see her.
7:45 P.M.
Finally get back on freeway and mindlessly follow crowd of cars we can only assume are also going the concert.
7:47 P.M.
Before finding a parking space, drop off my sister who will pee in the car if she does not get to a bathroom immediately. Also drop off my wife, who wants to catch as much of k.d. lang's show as possible. An interesting phenomenon has taken place: My wife's desire to see k.d. lang as well as her anger toward me for missing that turn have both increased in direct proportion to how late we are for the concert. I mention this phenomenon to my wife and regret it for the rest of the night.
8:00 P.M.
My sister's friend (who deserves a name at this point in the story — it is Kristen) and I wait in line to get into the concert. Once inside, Kristen immediately gets in another line, this one for the women's bathroom. I briefly wonder why the men's bathroom never has a line. At this point, I am unaware that I am about to enter a pornographic show. k.d. lang (who is still not capitalizing her name) finishes, my wife having heard a little less than two full songs. She informs me that she will now conscientiously not enjoy the rest of the concert.
Intermission
I see a friend who has seats near ours, and he warns me of "the dancing girls." He also complains to me about "Siren Man" seated next to him who screams not like, and I quote, "WOOOOOO," but like a police siren: "WoooooooooOOOOOOooooooooo." Friend's allusion to "Police" siren does not fall on deaf ears.
Sting Comes on Stage
I crawl like a dog across the seats on my row (everyone is standing). I am still unaware that I am entering what could be legally classified as a strip club. I stand in a pool of beer and who knows what else. It is, I believe, eating through the soles of my shoes.
First Song
I become painfully aware of "the dancing girls," who occupy the two seats in front of me. Neither is older than 12 — okay, 15 maybe, but at oldest, 16, and that's it, no older — and both are dressed in what they would probably call "hippie" attire. They dance to songs that were written before they were born. I notice that they know the words to "Every Breath You Take" and the chorus of "Roxanne." Stay tuned: their part in the night's drama is not over.
Second Song
Sting comes over to crowd (I am in the third row) on our side of the stage and a lunatic man hands him what appears to be a half-empty bottle of shampoo with a yellow sticky-note attached to it. The man is immediately beaten by yellow-jacketed security guards, and he cowers back into his seat.
Third Song
A sixty-year-old woman, sitting directly behind the now-beaten lunatic just mentioned, decides that the stage is a coat rack, walks up and sets down her purse and other various belongings on the corner of the stage. She also is immediately accosted by security. In less than two songs, the same woman will pull off her bra and throw it to no one in particular on the stage — just glad to have the bra off, I surmise.
Fourth Song
We are now all wading through a pool of beer and, very possibly, the vomit of a drunken man. A non-drunken man, who, I am assured by my law-school friend standing next to me, is a court bailiff, agrees to buy beer for the dancing girls, but is quickly talked out of it by his wife. He brings them a Coke and a Dr. Pepper.
Maybe Sixth or Seventh Song
Sting shakes his tantric hips at the crowd for the thirtieth time, and raises his outstretched arm — palm up, fingers extended — which the crowd interprets as the cue to go hysterical. My wife screams in my ear as Sting begins to play one of her favorite songs. I am now completely deaf in my right ear, but remain unaware that a porno show is about to begin. In retrospect, I should have guessed it when the bra came off of the sixty-year-old woman.
About Halfway through Concert
Sting curiously picks up the bottle of shampoo, looks at it in wonder, and sets it on top of one of the speakers. Kristen suggests the sticky note on the shampoo is possibly a "message on a bottle." Kristen's allusion does not fall on deaf ears (except my right ear). Sadly, the purpose of the bottle and the attached note is never discovered.
Nearing the Final Songs of the Concert
The adult entertainment begins as the old woman, now braless and dancing on the front row, hikes up her skirt for Dominic Miller, Sting's guitarist. My wife claims that the woman is completely without undergarments, but for my sanity's sake and to prevent permanent emotional scarring, I will forever refuse to believe her. Near this time, the taller and more fully clothed dancing girl, not so much dancing as she is bouncing, makes an unfortunate bounce and ricochets off the chair in front of her and then the one behind her before falling into the now bubbling pool of beer on the floor. She will sit out most of the rest of the concert. We are not displeased. The shorter and less fully clothed girl, however, takes the site of the old woman's bare flesh as her cue to show everyone her chest, which she will do approximately five more times before the night is over.
The First Encore
Sting and the rest of the band run off the stage and then almost immediately back on. It is already clear that they plan to do two encore sets. As is always the case these days, the encore is not a reward for an enthusiastic crowd, but merely a warning that the show is about to end.
The Second Encore
Sting again returns to our side of the stage, only this time he is met by a pair of immature, fifteen-year-old breasts. Fortunately, during these flashings, the girl is directly in front of me and I can only see her getting ready to flash, her hands holding onto the bottom of her midriff blouse, and then the face of the flashee. Sting's expression is one of utter surprise, followed by a look that a disappointed father would give his fifteen-year-old daughter upon discovering her disgraceful behavior. I actually feel sorry for Sting — he has daughters about the age of this girl and I'm sure he hopes they aren't stripping in front of large crowds. At that moment, Sting ceases to be a rock star and turns into an aging father. I recover from this feeling only as he begins to play "Message in a Bottle" by himself on stage (possibly inspired by the shampoo bottle — we'll never know).
Last Song
Sting plays "Fragile" and my sister's life is complete. We leave for home — scarred and saddened.
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