I try hard to align my will with God's, so much so that I am almost happy to see bad (or even terrible...) things happen in my life (as long as I am then able to overcome or endure those things). Because, if and when I DO overcome them, then
it's proof to me that I AM following the correct path and forces are fighting against me the whole way!!!
This is a good thing... What I am trying to work out now is that I am finding it hard for me to allow the *good* things in life or even *the blessings* in life happen to me in the same way that the bad happens!
... I was just down in my room having a personal dialogue with myself (would you call that a "auto-monologue"?) about why it is that I will not allow myself to have things "go my way" for a change with a relationship... I just enumerated a whole list of positive things that went my way, in one particular situation, that IS NOT going my way, yet it's hard for me to be charitable to myself or to allow others to be charitable to me!
I feel like the spirits in Lewis' The Great Divorce who are refusing to enter into heaven because they are unwilling to "let go" of the pattern of wrongs that they've "suffered"--they get some sort of satisfaction out of not being blessed! The crave the "BLAME" that they are able to attach to something other than themselves and attribute victimization to that thing or that person!!!
Am I following in that same trap? Why won't I be optimistic about myself and the things that are "going my way"? Am I dooming myself to forever be the false-accusor? Will I always expect a certain amount of "wrongs" that are trying to hold-me-down? Why am I adding even more weight to that burden until I believe it's "heavy enough"?
The truth is: I DO have faith and trust that some things are going to turn-out the way that I plan, but, those things (in which I successfully have faith in) are very, very few! Where I am lacking in faith is the faith that my life will continue to be blessed and that I will find joy in my relationships (among other things)!
I'm afraid that I will not start seeing my life as being blessed until my attitude changes... Maybe that change will start with this post!?! In fact, it has changed from that personal/private monologue down in my room... GOODBYE PESSIMISM and HELLO CHARITY!!!
JPS
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2 comments:
I love The Great Divorce. When I was asked to write a Road Show, I just wrote that, for kids.
I've had to endure a lot of criticism lately for standing up for the right. I have prayed and felt that I really am doing what is expected of me, and yet I find it hard to deal with the consequences. Is it harder that the criticism comes from my friends and sisters in the gospel? Sure. But mostly I am in sorrow for the fact that I seem to be the sole voice of truth. Perhaps if I had expected this outcome, I would not be so disappointed.
How do you strike a balance between being optimistic and realistic? I'm glad you put Charity as the opposite to Pessimism. That's really the answer.
I've often wondered why we cannot learn from Joy instead of pain. I actually believe we can. I am trying to also recognize the blessings in my life and accept them and take them and not feel "bad" for having them. Does that make sense? Yes I believe we can learn from Joy and actually be better servants of our Father in Heaven by simply accepting the blessings he's offering to us and not comparing them with anyone else around us.
P.S. Thanks for all your comments and I know someday you will find an amazing Eternal Cmpanion who loves you as much as you love her:)
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