In need of recovery or respite (from beds?)!!!

So, as I go through these (because right NOW is one of those times...) times of trial or possible heartbreak (like when Steph and I were divorced [102], then as Teresa wrote me to ask that I not write her anymore [103], and now as the girl that I met the other weekend at the temple, Lucretia, has asked me to not email her anymore [not in so many words, but basically!][104]), I don't get totally down and depressed but instead I feel that I need to think of 'whomever it was that I was worrying over' whenever I have a break in my activities... The tendency to have your mind turn to thoughts like that are good and even great if they aren't finding no person to refer-to.

Until today I have chosen to "get right back on that horse" and set-out in search for another person to have those thoughts refer-to... I have, as of clicking "PUBLISH POST" at the bottom of this blogsite, not let anything get in my way of finding that person who will both love me entirely and completely but also who I would love both entirely and completely!

I haven't given up hope or closed my sensitivities to such an event happening, but I have either run those girls off that I was interested in dating/seeing where that same path would eventually lead to... With Steph, I kept a way-of-life in her face (the one that I'm pretty sure we had both agreed to at the Salt Lake Temple in 1997) until she was burned-out and couldn't stand the sight or sound of me (she feels the same even today!); Teresa (my rebound-girl, as my mom refers to her) I practically drowned with affection and attention--regardless of the nature or inherit worth of such attention--until she couldn't stand my letters any more; and Lucretia, who I knew was in a fragile state of her life right-then (as evidenced by the fact that she wouldn't even give me here phone number, but only gave me her email address--that way, all she would have to do is click "delete" on that email and would never HAVE to respond to it [unless you admit to yourself that clicking delete is itself a way of responding--"No response" is just another type of way "to respond"]) who I pushed a-little-hard in my emailing her about herself...

Let me tell you what made me think I could continue on in the way that way that has driven them all away:

- Nothing that I was choosing to do (and subsequently was doing) could be seen and pointed to as a "foul" or an inherently offensive thing-to-do...
- Nothing that I knew I was doing was having any negative consequences other-than- the-fact that the girls were leaving...
- Everything that I was having them leave (me) for-having-done was good and admirable and, even, laudable and a trate that would be sought-after in most cases (being completely "true" to my religion and my God and my covenants and writing amd showing "too much" interest when they were not ready to move ahead...).

It's really, really, REALLY hard to know that each choice that you are making is going to help your relationship with that girl or woman... I can tell when I am making a choice that is not what I should choose; because it's a sin or becuase the Spirit will not give me the go-ahead. When there is an entirely separate and distnct person who is making their own choices that may or may not coincide with the choice that I have just made, all I know that is right is how the choice stands on its own merit--not how it will stand alongside and end-up as they make their choice to go with my choice...

Needless to say, I do not know how to be in a relationship unless both she and I are choosing to go towards the same objective!

I skipped that stage in the relationship-evolution-game... I met Steph in 9th grade and knew that I wanted to be with her, married her only a few months after having arrived home from Italy and my mission, and from then on I have made all of my choices with the one goal in sight: EXALTATION.

Is that wrong? That seems like I have been "jumping-the-gun" and "putting the cart before the horse" (I'm not even sure exactly what that means, but jumping the gun works as well, as "getting ahead of yourself"...) when it comes to relationships. It's like the long believed truth, "the end justifies the means" simply doesn't work in some or most or even all situations!

I need to think of dating simply as a process (like in my last post about the steps heading towards a relationship and not think so much as geting to the "final destination" in the shortest amount of steps possible... I need to appreciate that it's the journey gives the whole marriage or experience meaning!!!

I'm afraid that I am leaving good and fine and great and beautiful women by the wayside as I burn past or through them though! Maybe #105 will be my ultimate lucky number... We'll see, because it just started popping-up and standing out today... "What does that mean anyway?", you ask. Maybe nothing at all, but maybe, just maybe, it means the whole world!

JPS