Hanging onto that pain, suffering, or offense?

It seems to me that when we are hurt or afraid (fearful) or just hanging onto that feeling of sorrow or pain, we do ourselves a disservice and simultaneously, and necessarily are blaming someone else for that pain or sorrow or hurt or fear...

Why?  Why would we want to do that?

In the words of Bob Newhart, "Stop it!"

Also, in the words of President Dieter F. Uchtdorf of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, "Stop it!"

Why can't you, or I, or we, just stop it?  Why do we feel that we have no choice but to feel hurt (which implies that someone or something is hurting us), feel afraid (implying that someone or something is frightening us), or are sorrowful (implying that something or someone is making us feel sad or low or depressed).  Why can't we just stop feeling that way?  At other times in our life we are burden-free and happy, even joyful; so why can't we always feel that way?  Why is it so easy to plunge our psyche, our feelings, our self-worth, and our whole person into this mess-of-a-way-to-feel?  Why would we choose to be in this funk?

Why is it so hard?  The answer to this last question is: We are gaining or getting something that outweighs the pain/sorrow/hurt/fear.

Huh?  We want to keep hurting, want to keep feeling sorrow, or want to keep feeling fear?  That just doesn't make sense...

It does, however, explain why anyone would choose to continue feeling this way.

What could possibly outweigh the pain or sorrow that we feel?  Maybe feeing the pride of being correct when another (or others) is (are) wrong.  Maybe feeling the pride of superiority ("well, at least I don't do that" or "at least I am not that way").  We want to feel that pride more than we don't want to feel hurt?   Yes, every time we betray ourselves and choose to act in a way that we know we shouldn't.

Betray ourselves?

In actuality, that feeling of pride or the numbness that blankets the pain is the same thing--a sort of slow poison that eats at us until we become the poison itself.

So, what does "betraying ourselves" or "self-betrayal" mean?

I think it means that you are acting fundamentally in way that contradicts or goes against what you know deep in your heart; deep in your mind; deep in your soul to be wrong.

It's more than just telling a lie or an untruth.  So, can you give me an example?

When you see a situation and you have that initial impulse to make a choice--that choice will be honest and correct 9 times out of 10--but choosing to do anything else (no matter what reasons or evidence you have to choose differently) is self-betrayal.

For example, you awake to hear your new baby stirring; your initial impulse is to get-up and see what's wrong or sing the baby back to sleep.  To get right-up and do just that, is to live honestly--to be honest with yourself.  Whereas, to stay in bed and wait to hear your spouse wake-up and get take care of the baby's needs is, you guessed it, self-betrayal (Bonds that Make Us Free, Warner, C. Terry).

Just stop it.  Get yourself up and out of bed to take care of your baby.  Stop conjuring-up excuses about why you shouldn't, why somehow you deserve to not get-up, or why someone else should get-up and take care of the baby (after all, it's their turn, right?).  No.  Stop it.  Stop it and get out of bed!  This, of course, is all metaphorical talk about just doing what's right!  Don't deceive yourself and act contrary to those initial feelings of doing what's right.  Just get out of bed and take care of the baby yourself and try to save your poor spouse the trouble of waking-up when you're already up yourself!

As long as you hang onto that offense or supposed-offense that you need so badly to help you to feel justified in feeling the way that you do towards someone, just let go of that sickness and feel good about yourself again.  You are a great person and are of infinite worth.  Stop conjuring-up feelings and thoughts about yourself that make you greater than you are and at the same time stop conjuring-up feelings of worthlessness or pain.  Just stop it!

...

I'll write more about this in later posts, just as I've already written about this in the past.

JPS