Halloween Musings...

Halloween.

I am torn between thinking that the holiday is great and despising this time of year as a time when people have a ready-made-excuse to be something they know they're not. Do you really enjoy being something you're not? Do you really want to change and be so different?

I guess on one hand, it could be something very good and be a stepping-stool to a knew life and even a sort of spiritual rebirth of sorts. Then again, I don't think I've ever seen too many "saint" costumes or little Noah or Moseses running around town knocking on doors.

Maybe I've just given myself a great "righteous costume" and make two big styrofoam tablets and run around as a prophet. But even saying that, I wonder if that isn't getting sacreligous bordering on blasphemy... I just don't know how I feel about it.

What I am saying is that: even all those good moms that think they're going to side-step the whole issue of "evil" and have their kids dress-up as mystical or fantastical figures, aren't they indulging in the same exact thing, but kidding themselves into thinking that they're not? I mean, isn't even dressing up as the "best" costume the same as dressing up as an evil thing? I guess not, but at the best, I think you are only choosing to dress up as the lesser-of-two-evils, which is still choosing "evil".

Just stay home, I say, and play games as a family and tell stories (not of the devil or ghosts or witches or goblins though...), and, oh yes, eat all sorts of candy. It doesn't have to be Halloween candy, but is just the anyday candy that you could buy any time of year (regardles of what is on the candy or what it's oftentimes used for--it's just innocent sugar!).

In fact, play How to host a Murder--as you would play "Clue" or chess (you even "kill" knights and rooks in chess, but that's just part of the game). Man, don't go overboard and condemn everything as being evil... Just have fun and enjoy October 31 regardless of the pagan-evil-doings going on around you.

JPS

Whiteshoe Inventionish Column

Lofty and Low Volume XVI: The Programmers Edition

Lofty
1. For loops
2. <STDIN>
3. Command Line
4. Grep
5. Main ()
6. Scalar data
7. Object destruction
8. Class
9. Fork
10. End;

Low
1. Hashes
2. Printf
3. #require
4. Nested data structures
5. Backquotes
6. -x files
7. Globbing
8. Zombie processes
9. Whitespace
10. Out.close();

Volume XVII: The AOL Instant Messenger Abbreviations and Acronyms Edition

Lofty
1. brb
2. btw
3. IMNSHO
4. y
5. np
6. u (frequently used with r)
7. rotflol
8. hehehe
9. ttfn
10. k

Low
1. gtg
2. wtf
3. IMHO
4. n
5. thx
6. r (frequently used with u)
7. rotfl
8. lol
9. wb
10. asl

Volume XXI: The 1980s Innovations Edition

Lofty
1. Jelly shoes
2. Atari 2600
3. Trapper-Keepers
4. Compact discs
5. Transformers
6. The Brat Pack
7. Parachute pants
8. Usenet
9. Mohawks
10. Underoos


Low
1. Friendship bracelets
2. Boy bands
3. Rap
4. Pegged pants
5. Voodoo economics
6. Air Jordans
7. Commodor 64
8. 1-900 #s
9. Individually wrapped cheese slices
10. WWF

Musings of Phil, a JAVA Programmer Who Spends Altogether Too Much Time Thinking to Himself in Computer Code

phil = programmerComputer;
phil.begin(thinking);
Coke.pick-up;
Coke.begin(drinking);
phil.swallowCoke;
phil.belch(quietly);
new phil = happy phil
happy phil = not thirsty phil
phil.begin(typing);
if bossLooking
then phil.begin(programming);
or
if bossNotLooking
then phil.begin(gameComputer);
new phil = happier phil
happier phil = gameplaying phil
loop: phil.begin(typing)

Winners of The White Shoe Haiku Contest

The White Shoe Staff
[The White Shoe Haiku Contest ran for several months, with one winner posted every day alongside each new White Shoe piece. For a brief, shining moment, the haiku contest meant everything to us. It was a phenomenal thing. We had joy, we had fun, and despite the fact that this contest occurred during the winter months, it was as if we had seasons in the sun. Important Note: Although this page is archived as it originally appeared, this contest is over. If you still have haiku that you want to submit, we are sorry, but it is too late. Read the haiku to small children. They will give you prizes we cannot.]
· · ·
In addition to posting one new haiku alongside each White Shoe piece, we began and ended this contest by featuring a few haiku about haiku. Meta-haiku, if you will. Our postmodernity baffles even us. Enjoy the counterintuitive reverse-chronological-order goodness that follows.
· · ·

Enough is enough.
Haiku contest with your terse
terminology.

[Samuel Adair | 3.6.01]

- - -

A first line of five
Then onto one of seven
Five on the last line

[Josh Stott | 3.6.01]

- - -

Five, seven, and five
are seventeen syllables:
a perfect haiku

[Bake Neko | 3.6.01]

- - -

If I write real fast,
there won't be time for my brain
to play editor.

[Susan Taplinger | 3.6.01]

- - -

The first line has five.
The second line has seven.
Then end with five more.

[Lincoln Bahr | 3.6.01]

- - -

My fingers are tired.
All this counting confuses.
Seven more than five?

[Rez | 3.6.01]

- - -

some haiku express
depth of insight and beauty
but this one does not

[Rez | 2.12.01]

- - -

Seasonal Haiku

Spring, summer, and fall
(sometimes also called autumn).
Last of all, winter.

[Lincoln Bahr | 2.8.01]

- - -

When I have dry mouth
I like to get a cool drink
Man that tastes real nice

[Josh Stott | 1.17.01]

- - -

For those who ask me
How do I write my haiku —
I use my fingers.

[Bake Neko | 1.3.01]

- - -

Why am I angry?
Sell my soul for tuition —
unprepared teachers.

[Matt Graham | 12.11.00]

- - -

Heavy Metal Haiku

duh duh duh duh duh
duh duh duh duh duh duh duh
Smoke on the water

[Richard Guest | 12.7.00]

- - -

A tedious date
He kept on about his work
She admired her nails

[Mary Flodden | 12.6.00]

- - -

If a tree falls on
someone you hate, do you still
need to hide the ax?

[Megan Schoonover | 12.4.00]

- - -

The first line is too…
short — Now I count on my fin-
gers, and now it's done

[Susan Taplinger | 11.27.00]

- - -

Writing bad haiku
Is like eating chocolate chips
Under the blankets

[Susanna Lee | 11.27.00]

- - -

See the thought, pushing
against the seventeen bars
of its prison cell.

[Mark Orin Berrett | 11.27.00]

- - -

Surely I am not
The first one to find humor
In changing haiku's length

[Eric D. Snider | 11.27.00]

- - -

You pretty much can't
Use anapestic hepta-
Meter in haiku

[Reid Gray | 11.27.00]

- - -

One two three four five
One two three four five six sev…
One two three four five

[Josh Stott | 11.27.00]

- - -

A bird calls, doves coo
This day I think I will rue
I'm writing haiku

[Angela Zimmerman | 11.27.00]

- - -

A poet I'm not,
though my third line does contain
"a seasonal word."

[Andrew Thomas | 11.27.00]

Absolutely Real Items Overheard Online, Grammar and Spelling Uncorrected

1. AOL N'Sync Chatroom, 6-19-00
Chatroomgirl: Yeah im tryin to git sex off the computr witch is discusting

2. Dee Jay Zone UK
(located at http://www.expage.com/page/deejayzoneuk)
TO ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO GRAFFITI MY GUEST BOOK WITH FAKE NAMES OR BAD COMMENTS "YOU ARE SAD AND WASTING YOURE TIME APART FROM MALCOLM WHO HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO EXCEPT PLAYING ARMIES WITH THE LIBRARY POSSY"

3. AOL Britney Spears Chatroom, 7-26-00
I think Melissa is evil. She likes to pose nude for magazines like playboy, penthouse and readers digest. Readers digest said to stop sending nude pictures. she doesnt listen.

4. Mahir's Untitled Page
(located at http://www.geocities.com/mahir_girlfriend/)
If you come here it must because I been many countries — I go still. I just lost girlfriend. If you want to be girlfriend please E-mail me mahir_girlfriend@yahoo.com. I invitate she everytime my home, she can stay my home everytime. If you to be my girlfriend if she want I'm ready please don't dump me after I like you.

5. Smokey Goes to the Park
(located at http://psykho.com/smokey/park.html)
Smokey (a dog) always does his bussiness on top of rocks, logs and stumps where everybody can see. He really goes out of his way and puts a lot of effort into doing this. We are not sure why he does this. Our only guess is he just wants the whole world to see his crap.

6. StraitPimpen
(located at http://www.straitpimpen.com/)
StraitPimpen always loves to here stories about your pimp way as well as any comments with ideas to increase the pimpness of our web site. If we like what you sent, you will be entered in the contest to win to be the pimp of the month on StraitPimpen.com.

7. AOL X-Files Chatroom, 7-27-00
HumnGrbl: i hate my life
SaRaH: i hate my life more then u hate u'rs gerbil
HumnGrbl: no u dont
SaRaH: hell yes i do
HumnGrbl: u dont have a b/f u havent seen in 6th months
SaRaH: i threaton to kill myself yesterday
HumnGrbl: i tryed 2 3 times in the last month

QCstuff: u have a wierd name human gerbil
HumnGrbl: i am weird and depressed

8. eGroups ListServ
Kenn: I have a heart like the sea. It's true.
Jeff: Salty?

Inspirational Quotes by Members of "Team Elite," Whose Native Language May or May Not Be English, Found on a Display Near the Entry of My Workplace

"Power!"

"Sincerity!"

"Growing together."

"Get your eternal luck."

"Challenging spirit makes a big deal."

"Dreams come true! Let's challenge!!"

"Change your life with your (own) mind."

"Live your dreams, don't regret your life."

"Human Emotion — the most important thing."

"A man who wants to be successful has no right to be pessimistic."

"Every adversity carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit."

"Remember the thoughtfulness of his/her view, and let's keep going together."

"There are unlimited possibilities and chances, but only a few will catch it in their hands."

"You can achieve anything in life that you want if you help others achieve what they want."

"If you die without achieving your goal, be sure to return as a ghost to accomplish your dream."

"To change one's life, start immediately. There is nothing we can't do, except that for some it takes a bit longer."

"Who have ever known somebody's sorrow, only the person could be tender and excellent. Feel happy at any time!"

"With help from others, I now have unforgettable kindness, tenderness and gratitude to everyone who helped make my own dream of having a fabulous life come true."

"Success is the most preferable terminology for everyone that guarantees to gain happiness. At the same time, success is not the static status of being something but the continual process of aiming at the higher."

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Angry Letter to Editor (from Whiteshoe.org)

To Whom It May Concern (you know who you are):

I was at Gandolfo's, the local deli, during my lunch break, as I am almost every day, buying my favorite sandwich. That is, buying my sandwich. I get the same thing every day: roast beef and turkey on sourdough with mayo, hot mustard, salt, pepper, olive oil — and here's the best part — balsamic vinegar. It's not really on their menu, but they know me, so when I ask for my regular, they know what I mean. It's taken me a long time to come up with the perfect sandwich, and I relish in it, like I said, almost every single day.

Well, the other day — this day I'm talking about, when I'm at the deli — I order my regular, and the guy there knows me (I hate when there's a new guy. I practically feel like asking for someone else to talk to, but I usually just train him, because maybe he'll be there the next day, you know how it is), so he says it'll be two minutes, like usual. So I'm walking to the register to pay for my lunch and wait for my sandwich, and this other guy comes in to get his lunch. I'm thinking, "This guy wishes his lunch is going to be as good as mine," because my sandwich isn't on the menu. Only this guy, he asks all cute-like, "Do you mind if I just make my own sandwich rather than order one on the menu?" So maybe he's smarter than I think, because usually these delis have their menus all made up for just the average schmo who doesn't know what a good sandwich is.

I'm sure you've guessed what's going to happen (and I'll address you in the second person personal now, if you don't mind), you order my sandwich. You didn't add one thing extra and you didn't leave anything out. So the Gandolfo's guy writes it all down and walks over to the register, and I motion to him like, "Hey, what's the deal with that guy?" You know, squinting my eyes a little, raising the corner of my mouth, and I nod in your direction. He comes over to me all, "Do you have a question?" like he doesn't know what's going on.

"You're not actually going to make that for that guy are you?"

"Uh, yeah…"

"But that's my sandwich. Why don't you just add a little something extra. Or maybe leave out the hot mustard."

"Sorry, sir, I'm not sure what you mean, but I'm going to get him what he ordered."

Now, this guy isn't exactly new. I mean, I've seen him around for a while; he's not new. But I sure haven't seen you in here before, and I sure haven't heard of anyone ordering my sandwich. Now, if they were to put up my sandwich on the menu and name it after me and put my picture next to the description, then maybe that'd be different. But this I won't stand for.

"No, you're not going to get him exactly what he ordered, because what he ordered is mine. You can't give him my sandwich."

"Oh, of course not sir. Don't worry, you'll each get your own sandwich," he says to me, kind of raising his eyebrows and talking in a higher octave than usual. Like he's talking to a wacko or his kid or something.

"No, you don't get it," I tell him, "that's my sandwich, so you either tell him you're not making it for him or you add something or leave something out, you got that?"

So this guy just taps the counter with his hand a couple times and walks into the back. Out comes Craig. I guess he's the owner or something, and he asks me what's going on. I try to explain it to him, but he doesn't get it either, so of course I punch him in the face and he grabs me from over the counter (I'd say he's a good foot taller than I am) and rams my head into the register. I'm sure you remember this part of that day, as you were standing right there watching. So I leave, without my sandwich, and with you, I'm sure, getting my sandwich instead.

Here's the deal. I'm leaving this letter for you outside the deli so that you know what's going on and so you'll stop ordering my sandwich. Or maybe we can work out a deal where you can go in and get us both one, since it's practically all your fault that they won't let me in there anymore. I think that's only fair, and I'm sure you can see what kind of predicament you've put me in. So call me at (212) 555-2209, or I can wait outside here every day until I see you coming out of the deli, and then I make sure you never eat another of my sandwiches again, if you catch my drift.

Thanks for your cooperation,

Dennis Horn

WhiteShoe revisited

I am going to "re-publish" my Whiteshoe Irregular pieces http://www.whiteshoe.org.

Go to the above site to see the website...

JPS

An Online Conversation with Lita about Her Perceived Level of Safety at School

[Redactor's Note: Lita Nguyen (not her real last name) attends sixth grade in Fremont, California. She is often online, chatting with friends and family. This interview was conducted in September by White Shoe Correspondent Josh Stott, via AOL Instant Messenger. With minor exceptions, Lita's original spelling and capitalization have been retained.]

LITA: Today at lunch there was dis group hanging out near dis window.

(Pause)

JOSH: Is that the whole story?

LITA: Somebody pushed dis grl name lisa to dis guy name milton than milton pushed dis guy name roman to da window, and da window broke, and roman got lil pieces of glass in his head. Dass wat i heard

JOSH: Ouch.

LITA: My friends and i were in da corner.

JOSH: Did Roman have to get stiches?

LITA: i dunno. We didn't know wat happened cuz we came when we hear da crash.

JOSH: Are there a lot of fights at your school?

LITA: There was a fight like a couple of days ago.

JOSH: Usually boys? Or sometimes girls, too?

LITA: This dude shot Tony in da foot with a bb gun, and Tony pulled a knife on him.

JOSH: Is this the Tony that you like?

LITA: Yea. Da dude wit da gun got expelled.

JOSH: Why was Tony carrying a knife?

LITA: i dunno

JOSH: And why didn't he get expelled, too?

LITA: i think he got away wit it

JOSH: I don't know about this liking guys who carry knives, Lita…

LITA: Well, as long as he dunt pull it out on me

JOSH: Do a lot of boys carry them?

LITA: My friend, sarah, who's in his 4, 5, and 6 period class say dat he acts hella mean in class, but he's hellllllla nice in science or whenever i see him. i dunno.

JOSH: I wonder, though, how nice he is, if he's pulling knives on people.

LITA: He didn't use da knife though. He juss took it out and tucked it back in. But dat was a rumor. i heard it from dis dude who sits next to me in wrld hist.

JOSH: You never know...

[full transcript of interview on www.whiteshoe.org.